Kara Boone

My take on Cloth Diapering on a Budget

2011-01-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

As a military family we are obviously on a tight budget. Unfortunately our soldiers do not get paid enough for their time and sacrafice they make. But that of course is another post on another day.
My point is, we don't have the luxury of extra funds or a two income household to cloth diaper with the big name brand diapers like Bumgenius or Fuzzibunz. Atleast not to have those new. So here is my advice on cloth diapering on a budget.

In terms of money it's probably the cheapest to do prefolds & covers. However that type of diapering isn't my style. Pockets are really more convenient for me.

How to buy cheap without reducing quality:

Buy on a FSOT forum such as www.diaperswappers.com. You can buy gently used cloth diapers for cheaper. Most of my experience with this has been great. Just make sure to ask questions about the condition of the PUL fabric, Elastic, Snaps/Velcro & overall function and ask to see pictures before committing to buy.
Buying the "china diapers" as people refer to them. Honestly, they work just as good or better than some of the name brand diapers I've tried. While it's a cheaper price per diaper I have found that the quality is the furthest from cheaper.
Seconds - this refers to a diaper that is sold at discount due to a cosmetic issue but will function perfectly. Cosmetic issues could be that they got slightly dirty, the stitching isn't perfect stuff like that. I have bought tons of seconds and cannot figure out what was wrong with them they look and work perfectly.

Sunbaby Diapers :: Approx. $6/diaper :: www.sunbabydiapers.com :: Ebay Link
Nubunz Diapers Seconds:: Approx. $3/diaper :: www.nubunz.com
DiaperSwappers.com FSOT :: www.diaperswappers.com :: you will need to register!
Child resale shops :: I know that once upon a child does not sell used diapers but some other independent stores do like Everything For Kids in Kentucky.
Cottonbabies.com Seconds :: www.cottonbabies.com
DapaDiapers.com $5 deal of the month :: www.dappadiapers.com
Green Mountain Diaper Seconds :: www.greenmountaindiapers.com
TinyTush.com Clearance :: www.tinytush.com
ClothDiaperClearance.com :: www.clothdiaperclearance.com

And those are just to name a few! And remember most cloth diapering stores (online) have a clearance/sale/seconds section. be sure to check those out often!

I have a total of $63 one-sized pocket diapers and I spent no more than $6/ diaper. In most cases I only spent $3....

Also for inserts - if you are going to use microfiber (your cheapest option) then buy several packs of the microfiber towels in the auto section of walmart. They are 8-12pk for $3-5. Just tri fold them and stuff them in the pockets - simple as that!!

Yeah... okay... lol

2011-01-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

So I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, and I'm not going to pretend that I am going to start blogging often. As a matter of fact, with Rylee on the move and Landen only 2 months away from arriving I doubt I'll ever get to blog ever again!!!! Okay maybe that is also an exaggeration but I feel like with 2 under 1 that is going to leave me little time to do anything important like blog or brush my teeth. But I did have time today to get on for a few and update about my life. Which, by the way, is absolutely perfect. =D I'm not a perfectionist by any means but everything is going awesome. We moved on post into a 3 bedroom house which I absolutely LOVE. I have space for my crafting stuff and the kids have a nice big nursery. We have a bedroom that actually fits our king sized bed and a nice dining room and I *finally* have a *real* kitchen table and chairs <3. I'm in heaven and I don't want to move to fort benning, GA in May only because I'm afraid of not getting a house this size or as nice (it's completely gutted/remodeled). On the topic of Miss Rylee.... boy I don't even know where to start since I updated last! She's now 9 months old, a speed crawler, pulling up and walking along everything, has two front bottom teeth, is adorable in every way. I never knew you could love someone so much! It's an amazing experience for sure. I am a little worried about some things when Landen arrives though. We have been having some sleep issues with Rylee and I'm afraid she'll be hurt that she doesn't get all the attention (which she makes very clear that she loves all the attention on her). I'm nervous but we will make it all work. Josh and I are doing awesome, he's training privates through basic & AIT training and I feel like he loves it. The Army life has treated us really really well so far. And for Landen, he is doing amazing. I'm 27w4d and at 25 weeks he was measuring 2lbs already! I go back on the 6th (thursday) to do the diabetes test (ick!) and to have an ultrasound and check up. Our amnio at 16 weeks showed a completely genetically healthy little baby BOY!! There was only a "less than 1%" chance of him not having the antibody issue we had with Rylee & Jayden.... well Prayers do wonders because mister Landen does not have the E antigen which means my blood *shouldn't* attack his and cause him to be anemic. Which means we shouldn't have to deal with severe anemia, jaundice or blood transfusions post birth like Rylee. But like I said we *shouldn't*. I still don't trust my body and while I'm handling this pregnancy better, I am still uneasy and nervous and scared and every other emotion possible. lol. Just keep prayers coming for baby Landen as they can only do good for us! We rely on them daily. Hope everyone is doing well! xoxo

3 months later.... lol

2010-06-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yikes, sorry. It's been quite some time. Things have been crazy hectic and when they aren't .... I'm catching up on sleep. Rylee is doing very well. She's almost done with the bout of anemia and she is growing and developing beautifully. She has just recently started to "babble" and drool a lot. She's discovered that shoving her hands in her mouth is quite interesting. She's now 11+lbs and two feet tall. She looks exactly like her daddy with chubby cheeks.

We are currently at fort Knox and we will be PCSing (moving) to Ft. Benning in March 2011. I'm pretty excited about the weather in Georgia however I am not excited about moving further from family. Ya know, since we are home almost every other weekend or so lol.

Well, I promise to update more often... and until then.... check out our photo albums of Rylee here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/klboone212/RyleeJaylyn2Months#

She's Here, We're Moving... & much more

2010-04-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, so when they said you'd be too busy or too tired to do anything once the baby was here... they sure weren't kidding!!

So Miss Rylee was born on 3-29-2010 at 8:55 am! The c-section started at 8:44am which was the time that Jayden had been born and miss Rylee arrived 11 minutes later! Before they could get her entire body out she was already screaming and let me tell you that was music to my ears!!! She was born at 6lbs 7oz and 19 inches long. She looks just like her brother Jayden. I just know he is watching down over her because she already smiles like crazy.

At 2 days old Rylee developed jaundice and was taken to the special care nursery to be put under bili lights. and from there we spent a week in the hospital under bili lights trying to stablize it with her bili levels jumping to 22 at one point. They finally ran a CBC test and noticed that her hemoglobin levels had dropped severely and we ended up at Riley Hospital for Children to get a blood transfusion. The transfusion went well and her anemia levels seem to be getting better. Her Jaundice is now down to 9.6 which is one of the lowest #'s she's had.

At her 3 week appointment at Riley she weighed 7lbs 4oz so she's a big growing girl!! :)

We are now down in Kentucky and just rented our house!! We get to move on saturday :) I'm so excited to have our family together. The house is a very small 2 bed/1bath with a large fenced in yard. It's nothing spectacular but that's all we need for right now. There isn't many "nice" places around here as it is anyway and this is about the same quality we would get on post housing. We took my first ride around base today and it's huge... I like the base though and I like that there is alot of land and of course pools for Rylee and I to hang out in this summer!! I'm anxious to get involved and get connected with other army wives down here.

We are trying to get Rylee transfered to Louisville for her hemotology check ups but for now we'll be making the 2 hour drive up to Riley in Indy.

Well that's a quick update! Here is the link to our photos of Rylee (caution: breastfeeding pictures are included): http://picasaweb.google.com/klboone212/RyleeJaylyn#

36w3d :: Almost Done!

2010-03-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yikes!! Have I been a horrible blogger or what? lol. Alot has happened in the last few weeks!

Lets start with 34 weeks. Rylee decided she was going to be lazy and failed a NST & BPP so we ended up in Labor & Delivery for monitoring. She did finally pass the second set later in the evening but she sure did give me a scare. I had done so well mentally/emotionally until she failed that one.

Then for a week (35 weeks) after I was freaking out and went in to be monitored overnight at one point because her movement was not where it normally was. But she seemed to be fine. I just needed the reassurance.

Now we are at 36 weeks! Unfortunately this week JB's grandpa had passed away. JB did get to come home for the weekend for the funeral. It was great to have him home even though it was under sad circumstances. He got to feel Rylee kicking and moving around though and that is one thing that he kept saying he missed the most about being away, so I know that made him feel more reassured. She's head down and staying that way I think. I'm having TONS of pressure down below and lots of period like cramping. A few turn into "real" contractions but the rest I think are just my body preparing for whats to come.

Today we have 8 days until our scheduled c-section! I'm thrilled and so nervous. I think we may ask to be admitted the night before for monitoring just to easy anxiety and nerves. We'll see what our doctor says. I have one more appointment with my OB on Tuesday and then Friday is our Amnio to check her lungs out and then Monday is delivery at 10 am!! So she should be here safe and SCREAMING by 11am! I can't wait to hold her and hear her *scream* her lungs out.

33w4d :: Baby Sprinkle

2010-03-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

So I haven't updated in a bit so, I'll start off with updates on the pregnancy and then we will get to the fun stuff! Rylee is still doing absolutely amazing. All of our non-stress tests (NST) and Biophysical profiles (BPP) look great. She's been practicing her breathing like a pro! Me on the other hand? I feel huge. I have tons of back pain because I'm sticking straight out with her. With Jayden, I got really wide and with Rylee I went straight out. I'm totally front heavy lol.

I did go get two different massages this week. One was a neck/head/back/leg/foot Chinese reflexology massage and it felt SO good and I went with mom to go have that done. Then on Saturday I went to a pre-natal massage and that was just absolutely amazing too! I think Rylee liked both, she probably likes it when I'm sooo relaxed lol.

So, we come to Sunday! My sister and mom threw a "Baby Sprinkle". At first, a few months ago, I was very hesitant about doing this. I didn't want to get excited and get my hopes up and then have something go wrong. But I feel now, it was the big push that I needed to get in gear for Rylee to be here. It was so nice yesterday to see family and their support. And to see their excitement and know that in 29 days we should be coming home with a beautiful little baby girl.

I have some awesome friends from cafemom.com who were due with me in January with Jayden. They got together and send me some huge boxes of clothes. I'm talking HUGE. I think I could clothe triplets (thank goodness I don't have triplets however lol!). It took me 3 hours to go through the clothes that I got and sort them by size and figure out what ones went with the seasons/sizes that Rylee would need. It looked like Pink and Purple threw up all over the living room. But it was amazing and it did get me really excited to start nesting, which I haven't yet done.

I'm so thankful for the friends and family that I have. I honestly don't know where I would be right now without them. Definitely not in the place I am today. I'm getting excited, feeling confident, and most of all hopeful we'll have a baby to bring home March 29th.

All the 0-3 month sized clothes washed and folded!

So a huge thank you to my amazing friends and family. I love you all so much.

Rylee's Baby Sprinkle

30w6d :: It's official!!!

2010-02-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

I am happy to announce that our little miss Rylee has her birth day scheduled!!! We will be having our amnio at 36 weeks 5 days (March 23rd) to check for lung maturity. And then our c-section is scheduled for 8am on March 29th (37w4d). We have to arrive at the hospital at 6am (yikes!) and no eating after midnight but with it being so early I probably won't think about food.... yeah right who am I kidding lol. I better get a damn good dinner cooked for me before midnight that night! LOL
I'm absolutely thrilled we have a date set. It seemed to put alot of ease back into my mind. However, I know things can go wrong at any time but Jayden passed away in the 38th week and I really wanted to be delivered before that milestone hit. I just could not emotionally handle it. So I'm so happy that the doctors were willing to listen to my concerns and make this happen for me.

I have a lot to do before she arrives and the next few months are so cram packed with stuff going on between Rylee, josh's training, moving with the army etc etc that I don't even want to begin to think about it!

February 27th - My Pre-Natal Massage Spa Day
February 28th - My "Baby Sprinkle"
March 9th - Selena's Birthday Party
March 22nd - JB's AIT Graduation Date (and comes home!!)
March 23rd - Amnio (36 weeks)
March 29th - Rylee's Birth Day!!!

I just keep praying that God and Jayden keep watching down over us an allow Rylee to come safe and screaming and healthy!! <3

30w2d :: Bummer!

2010-02-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't get to go down to Knox like I wanted to thanks to mother nature... it just HAD to snow a ton this weekend!!! *sigh* I'll get over it I guess. I did clean my room today and get some other things done which was good.

Next up is to work on some jewelry!!! <3 super excited about that... I haven't gotten my stuff out to make anything new because I've been so back logged on getting caught up on taking photos and listing them on my website!

Well, only 7 weeks and counting to go! Dr. A. still has to talk to the specialist but the possible plan is to do an amnio at 37w0d (3/25) and see if Rylee's lungs are mature and if they are then we can deliver, if not then we will wait a week. However Jayden passed away in the 38th week. I do not want to go into my 38th week. I'm scared to death. That's what it comes down to. I would rather delivery early and have a baby in NICU than wait around and have a baby die. Idk, makes sense in my brain... so my doctors may not like me by the time delivery comes around but I'm pretty sure I'm paying them to take care of me, there for I am going to have a say in it and be an advocate for myself. I'll keep yall updated on that issue.

So, there is a christian artist who I just love!! Matthew West. I'm absolutely sure he writes his songs specifically for me (LOL!) And he has this awesome song called "Save a Place for me" it goes like this:

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Talk about perfect song right??

29w5d :: Getaway Weekend!

2010-02-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, here I sit... bored... I've been trying to keep myself busy lately but it's hard to do that. Soon enough though my appointments will start 2x per week and I'm sure that it will exhaust me. I'm starting to get to the point where my anxiety is taking over the slight excitement I was able to churn up. The closer I get to the end (or beginning if you will) the more my excitement fades into these fears of "what ifs" and "I need her out while she's alive".
I can't seem to get that out of my head! She's alive right now and doing fantastic.... But so was Jayden at this point. It's driving me crazy that I don't have that milestone to hurdle over. My milestone won't be until that baby is in my arms safe and sound (or screaming preferably). I'm just so anxious for this all to be over and to get moved and settle and focus on a new part of life. One that doesn't consist of self injections, big bellies, restrictions, and constant reminders of what I should already have.

Rylee herself is doing great though, she's very active. She loves to kick me in my ribs and gets very upset if I lean forward at all lol. I'm starting to notice her awake/sleep patterns so I am learning not to freak out and poke and prod when she isn't moving much. Our last ultrasound with the specialist showed low risk for anemia again so we have the okay to schedule our c-section date with our regular OB Dr. A. I'm very excited.

I did get fantastic news this last week also. JB should graduate on 3/25/2010 and return home the next day. 3/25 is the first day of my 37th week. We were not expecting him home until 4/7/2010 and thinking he would miss Rylee's delivery. However, things are finally starting to fall into place. Friday I'm going to see what Dr. A has open for 3/29-3/31 for a scheduled c-section. 4/1 starts my 38th week and that's the week that we got to when things looked okay on the one ultrasound and three days later Jayden passed away. So I absolutely do not want to go past my 37th week. I refuse. I won't do it. I will deliver this baby on my own lol! So we'll see what our regular OB says!

I also get to go visit JB this weekend at Knox. I'm excited because the only military "base" I've been on is camp Atterberry and that doesn't count because it's not an active army base. Just a training/mob/de-mob facility. But I'm excited to go and visit JB and spend some time with him :) Training has been going slow for him not sure if it's just because he's an NCO/E-5 or something else but I'm sure he'll enjoy getting off base too! And I made sure to get a hotel with an indoor pool ;) Super excited about swimming!! LOL

28w 2d :: Clothes

2010-01-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

Well, Yesterday's appointment with Dr. A went well. She is going to wait until after our MCA ultrasound on the 29th to schedule our c-section date. My belly and Rylee both are measuring a week ahead so she should be a good sized baby! Oh and I of course am now starting to barely be able to tie my shoes. As you can see below, the bows are on the side of the shoe, which means soon mom will have to start tying my shoes for me HAHA (i'm sure this will bring back good ol memories for mom!)

Mom and I stopped by walmart yesterday and I couldn't resist the new clothes that were in the baby section! So I got her a yellow onsie with a cute little pink and purple bee with matching pink pants. And then of course this adorable little Easter/spring dress with a cute little pink knit jacket to go over it. AH i love baby girl clothes!!!

Josh is doing good in training so far, they really haven't done much but get everything ready to start training. Poor ramadi misses her daddy. She keeps laying on his pile of dirty clothes that I need to wash lol. I couldn't imagine that they smell good but hey they must at least smell like him because she won't move from them!!

28 weeks :: goodbyes

2010-01-21T20:57:00.000-08:00

Well sadly, I said my final goodbyes to JB today. I surprised him today and showed up at his swearing in ceremony, talked with him for a whole 5 minutes and then said bye. He made it to knox safe and sound and should be home by April 7th at the latest. I miss him already and hate sleeping alone, however, I have to admit... ramadi isn't the worst of cuddlers that's for sure.

So, I'm 28 weeks today which means I have 9 days until my 37th week. I'm honestly ready to be "done" however Rylee is not lol. Her ultrasound on Monday went fantastic and is weighing 2 lbs 3 oz. Measuring right on target also. Tomorrow I go for my glucose check and regular appointment. We should be discussing delivery options also!! Which gives me butterflies!

I can't believe in just 9 weeks she will be here, God Willing of course. I pray constantly that all is well, she is healthy, breathing fine, and cute as a button! JB is really upset he may miss delivery, he said he is afraid she'll be like a duck where the first guy she sees she'll think is her father. I told him it doesn't work that way but he is still worried lol.

If you are interested in donating to our March for Babies/March of Dimes walk please make sure to visit: http://www.marchforbabies.org/jaydenhenryboone to make a donation in memory of our precious little angel and in hopes for a great future for our little Rylee. Our team hopes to beat our team donation from last year which was $1200!

27 weeks :: Taking Steps

2010-01-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

Well, we've made it another week further. It's hard to believe it's already been 27 weeks and that we only have 10 weeks until delivery. That being said, it is still feeling like it's just dragging on and that April is never coming.
We did make a huge step yesterday though. JB leaves for training in 6 days and he needed to get the carseat out of storage so that I do not have to go and dig through after he is gone. So we have a carseat sitting in our room right now. I didn't think it would bother me but it kind of makes this all that much more of a relality. I kind of see it as us showing that we are getting our hopes up or something. I'm afraid to "get ready" to have this baby.... just like we did last time.... and then something happen at the last minute. I can't bear to leave the hospital empty handed and return home to a bunch of baby stuff.

JB seems to be doing okay even though he is leaving soon. He seems to be excited about training since he absolutely loves military life but you can tell he's so nervous leaving me while pregnant and of course not being here for delivery. But he doesn't say much about it. Other than he isn't upset about missing the c-section part of it all since he didn't handle a vaginal delivery very well. But I will be / am in good hands with family thankfully. So hopefully that eases his mind a little bit. But I still worry so much about him mentally being away and all of that without anyone to talk to.

Well off to spend some time with the in-laws and then SPALS support group tonight

26w3d :: Faith

2010-01-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

I just had to make a post because I just now realized that I am under 100 days and counting until delivery. I actually have 86 days until the end of my 37th week.. Dr. A said that we will defiantly deliver before the end of my 37th week. I still can't wrap my head around it.... actually having a baby, holding a baby, feeding a baby, changing a baby, loving another baby.

I have to admit, as much as we wanted to get pregnant right away and as much as I know deep down that I have enough love for all the children we will have, I have a hard time feeling like I will attach completely without being sad that Jayden SHOULD be here, SHOULD be a year old toddler. I SHOULD have two children living. But, God has different plans. I just hope he continues to give me the strength to love and miss Jayden while loving Rylee too. It sounds kinda crazy but I just have such mixed feelings!

Today in our foundation class at church, we talked about the things you do to be a Christian and how you have to be able to describe your relationship. This was interesting to me... I was baptized when I was 12 or 13, however I was going through the motions. I don't remember much from the class we took for it either. I've always gone to church but never payed attention. I've always asked God for help, strength, courage.. but never have I given anything back. That is, until we found our new church. I absolutely love this church. I leave feeling rejuvenated. I leave with an actual UNDERSTANDING of what the service was about each week. I actually OPEN my OWN bible. I would have to say that my biggest turning point in my faith was losing Jayden. Not that I did not believe but I sure didn't practice faith like I should have. Losing Jayden, at first, I was angry at God, but in the end it brought me closer to Him and now I feel like I have an actual relationship with Him. I see now more than ever the work that He is doing in my life. Now I have the urge to learn more. Every sermon and scripture I've listened to since Jayden has passed away seems to actually play a role in my life that I can actually identify with.... and that feeling itself is amazing. I thank Jayden every day for being a life savor and bringing me closer to God. And I thank God for his plan of bringing Jayden into my life.
It's funny how things work out.

For the rest of the Sunday, I am going to spend it relaxing with JB and laying down feeling Rylee move around. It makes me smile.

26 w1d :: Earring Giveaway :)

2010-01-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Well we certainly are moving along! Only 11 weeks to go until this little one is here!
(97 days actually) And I have to make a shout out to one of my closest friends who had her baby early yesterday morning! I'm so glad she is finally her safe and sound! I know her big sister was looking over her!

I've had the absolute worst head cold ever. I'm miserable. I'm on day #3 and am starting to feel better than before but still have a lot of drainage and runny nose. my nose/lips are so chapped from blowing my nose. And of course it's always 10 times worse when your pregnant because all you can take is tylonel products..... I WANT SOME NYQUIL!!! it's the only thing that seems to work and I can't take it!!

Being moved back in at my moms has been going pretty good. I feel much more relaxed now that we are settled. JB leaves in two weeks which I am absolutely dreading. My count down for JB and Rylee are going to be the exact same! I'm just trying to keep my mind busy so I don't sit here and focus on every little twinge and "what if" thoughts. Those tend to get the best of me at times but as long as I am armed with my Doppler and kick counter, i'm set. I've been making my handmade jewelry in the downtime. I've gotten almost 60+ things listed for sale on my Etsy website! You should go check it out and pass the word on about my shop. Hopefully I can turn this into some kind of small business if sales start to pick up or something.... I've been trying to think of some promo ideas to get my name out there. So I am going to offer a blog giveaway on this blog to my fellow readers!!!

All you have to do is comment on this blog with what you think about my Etsy shop and your name will be put into a drawing for a pair of my earrings! :) http://KaraAndBrooke.Etsy.com

Well I am off to make some more earrings!
Take Care
KB

Dear Jayden, Happy First Birthday

2009-12-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Jayden,

I cannot believe that it has been an entire year since I held you in my arms. I feel like this year has flown by so fast yet crawled so slow. I thank God every night that I was chosen to be your mom. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. You have given me strength I never knew I had and have given me courage when I didn't think I had it. You have shown me how precious and delicate life is and how to live without taking it for granted. I thank you for making your dad and I stronger as a family and showing us just how lucky we are to have what we have and who we have in our lives. I thank you for being one of the biggest influences in my life without even taking a breath of air here on earth.

I think of you every day. I miss you so much it hurts. I don't think that hurt will ever go away but I have learned to live with it. I take pride in the fact that I have my own personal guardian angel. It's nice to be able to lean on someone and know you are there by my side all the time.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I hope you received your balloons we sent you today. Take care of yourself and keep watching over your little sister. We are the luckiest family in the world to have you and you will never be forgotten.

I love you more than words could ever describe and I miss you more than my voice and face can show.

Happy First Birthday baby boy!

With love,
Your mommy

24 weeks 4 days :: The Best Guardian Angel

2009-12-28T18:18:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say that we have one of the best guardian angels.

Flashing back to last year on this day. We went to the hospital around 11pm for lack of movement only to find that little Jayden had passed away and approx. 48 hours later he was born sleeping. (I'll leave the details and what nots for the day of his birthday!)....

Today, coincidentally, we had our MCA ultrasound at our maternal fetal medicine specialist. The last two ultrasounds her levels have gone up and were getting closer and closer to being borderline anemic. I was so nervous for today. I haven't slept the last two nights. I thought Dr. A (OB) was crazy for giving me a prescription for some sleeping aids for the this week and next. And you know what?? She wasn't so crazy! However I still haven't brought myself to take them as I'm trying to steer clear of any meds. I just stay up and play with my beads or mess with the business website... keeps me pre-occupied until I finally get so tired I almost pass out at the computer.

So I had mom go with us today just for a little extra emotional support. I prayed and prayed that everything would be fine and asked Jayden to watch over his little sister and make her strong and keep her that way. And he sure did his job! She actually went down a category back to category D. she was just a few points off from being category C but just enough to say we are in the low risk group again!! I'm thrilled. I'm so glad she's such a strong fighter. I know I can thank God and Jayden for that too. And as much as I want Jayden here with me, I'm so glad I have someone like him to lean on and talk to in times like this. He really really pulls through for me.

The ultrasound tech did all Rylee's measurements. She weighs 1 pound 7 oz. and is measuring right on track. She was so funny laying on her back with her feet up to her face and her hands holding her toes. She's too funny. We kept getting a glimpse of her face between her legs. I actually cried at this ultrasound. It was the first ultrasound that I got really choked up at. She had been kicking me before hand so I knew we wouldn't get the worst news but seeing her little heart beat so strong (157bpm) made my emotions flow. I think when I normally go to appointments and ultrasounds I kind of go into this daze. I first prepare myself for the worst and then when things go okay I smile but I don't say anything and then I walk out of there and it takes me a good hour or so to snap out of it. And honestly, I'm lucky I have someone go with me because I miss half of what is being said to me!!

I've already got others in line to go with me since JB leaves in 3 weeks. We scheduled our next MCA ultrasound on the 18th right before JB leaves on the 21st so that he can get a good glimpse at her and lots of pictures to take with him.

Oh and by the way - there is still no sign of my blackberry. It's driving me crazy.... UGH! :( *TEARS*

Alright well... that's all for now... have a wonderful night!

24 weeks :: losing my mind!

2009-12-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

Well I've successfully made it to 24 weeks. I've also successfully lost my blackberry. I can't find it anywhere and I'm losing my mind!! My life is in that thing... my photos, my to-do lists, my saved emails, my calendar, and most important all my numbers and email addys to everyone important!! *tears* I'm in attempt to file a missing blackberry claim with the cell insurance place but i'm sure I won't be getting anything before the new year..... If you need me, e-mail me or call Josh's cell...

Rylee has been crazy active the last two-three days. She has been moving for awhile now but it's only been at night when i'm laying down, focusing and waiting for it... BUT now... it's non stop... the girl doesn't sleep!!! Which inturn causes me to not sleep either. I love it and am annoyed by it at the same time. However, the lack of sleep could also be due to all of the crazy weeks ahead for us. We have so much going on within 2-3 weeks that it's almost too much to even try to think about. We have christmas eve, christmas day, 28th is the day we went to the hospital for Jayden, 30th he was born, jan 3rd was his due date and the day that we laid him to rest, and then 21st JB leaves for military training and won't be home until the 5th of April..... talk about overload.

Some have told me to only focus on the positives (ie: don't fret over the 28th being the day that we went to the hospital etc) however... how can you not? I would have to say I've handled this all pretty well so far... but there isn't a day that goes by that I haven't replayed everything that happened last year from the moment we left to go to the hospital to the time we came home empty handed. I can't not think about it, I can't not think about what I should have, what I do have and what I will have soon. There are so many emotions running through me that I don't even know where to start and which one to deal with first. I'm so happy I'm pregnant and so far things are going "okay". At the same time.... I'm missing my son. He should be here and he isn't. We should be buying toys for a one year old and celebrating both Christmas and a first birthday party, but we aren't exactly doing that either. I'm happy, sad, upset, angry, blessed, excited, and confused all at the same time.

....One day at a time. I feel so scatterbrained, enough to be asking... does this blog post make any sense?!? Sorry if it doesn't... this is my thought process currently.... lol bear with me.

23w2d :: The Move

2009-12-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well, what a day. Lets just say that bedrest + moving = a very very stressful day. We did however get everything into storage that needed to go and tomorrow is going to be moving everything else into moms and get organized. btw, how in the world do we have so much stuff?!? It's utterly ridiculous!! I'm just glad my sister in law (SIL) Heather came over and brought me taco bell. That was the highlight of my day and OH SO YUMMY!!! I'm such a cheap date and I love it ;) haha!!Anyway, poor ramadi, (dog) she was just so confused on what was going on today. And now she is with me at my moms tonight and daddy isn't around. She won't leave my side and she just sits and shakes. poor pup!! And to think we have to go through this all over again in april! ARG! My dog is going to be emotionally scared for life since this is her 4th move and 5th here in april. And no, she won't get over it and she isn't just a dog.... LOL "she's a princess not a dog" as JB would say!! way too spoiled that is!

We had our ultrasound on monday with the specialist again. Rylee's red blood cell MCA numbers came back elevated from what they were last time but good news is not as much as they did last time. We are still in category C and still in the normal range. So we are just ganna keep chugging along and pray they don't go any higher. She looks really good. They said a sign of anemia is fluid around the belly and liver.... and she doesn't have that at all.

The only thing I'm worried about I suppose is that our next ultrasound is on December 28th. Last year on this day is when we went to the hospital due to lack of movement with Jayden and the ultrasound showed that he had no cardiac activity and had passed away sometime in the previous 24 hours. I'm so nervous. They said they would do a full anatomy ultrasound and 4D so we can see that she is perfect and to reassure us, but an ultrasound at all on this day just freaks me out. I have enough of a hard time with ultrasounds as it is. I freak myself enough that they will tell me she is dead or something is fatally wrong with her let alone doing an ultrasound on that specific day. But I couldn't say much as we are supposed to go back in 7 days and because of christmas/holidays we can only get an appt for 11 days. So we are pushing it as it is. I'm sure i'll get through it fine, eventually. I just better get an hour ultrasound and about 50 million pictures to make up for the date.

You know, I swear it's like one thing after another, we don't seem to be able to catch a break what so ever. Is this how it's going to be every single time we get pregnant?! If so, I'm not sure I can guarantee any more after Rylee is here. It's so stressful. I know I say that now... and that ultimately we want to have 3 kids but right now, that future seems like that will never happen.

.... I know... one day at a time... or one minute at a time i guess is better. It's not helping my craft stuff is packed up for the time being. I normally can sit down and make a ton of earrings and the effort and focus it takes to make the wires and design it then actually put it all together really keeps me un-focused on everything else. And I won't be able to get those things to my moms until tomorrow. So what to do with myself until I fall asleep...

23 Weeks :: So much to update!

2009-12-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

*Bear with me as I am transferring my old blog posts over. Should only take another day or so since the blog importer is not working correctly....but it's nice to review all my blog posts about Jayden since his first birthday is coming up!*

I know, I'm absolutely horrible. I haven't updated in a while. Even on bedrest I can't seem to find the time to sit and put my thoughts down. More so because I'm more terrified of what those thoughts are than anything else. But here is a recap of the last few weeks.

At 18 weeks we had our MCA Ultrasound to measure Rylee's artery in her brain. This monitors how fast or slow the red blood cells flow. (the more red blood cells the slower it flows). So we want a very slow flow because that means that she has enough red blood cells. (my red blood cells created antibodies against 0- blood type so now my blood attachs 0-). At this ultrasound her values were awesome. The best that they could be.

At 21 weeks we had our second MCA Ultrasound and sadly Rylee moved up into the next category closer to being anemic (not enough red blood cells). Her values are still in the normal range but have worsened from the last time. So now instead of being seen every 14 days we are seen every 7 days.

Tomorrow is our 22 week MCA ultrasound and I'm really nervous. I've kind of put off my emotions and just put it in the back of my mind as if it was no big deal but I can feel the emotions boiling. I'm so scared that she will move up another category to being anemic. I don't want to have to do blood transfusions and worry about early delivery on top of JB being gone with the military from Jan-Apr. But I'm trying to hold it together the best I can.

I did finally break down and go out and buy Jayden his first Christmas ornament. Now that I actually went and did it, I want to make it a tradition to get him an ornament each year. This year we found one with a little baby sleeping and there are wings on the baby and on it it says "sleep in heavenly peace". We thought this fit perfect for his first ornament. I'm so excited to hang it on the tree. I feel I have done really well so far with Jayden's first birthday coming up. I've really kept myself busy so I don't freak out. I think about him everyday but I can't bear the count down until his birthday. On his birthday we are going to build-a-bear to get a bear to donate to the hospital. I also have a gift certificate for a spa and they do pre-natal massages. I'm thinking his birthday may be the perfect time to go! But we'll see, i don't want to leave JB alone on his bday while I go get a massage either. We'll see!

In other news, my sister-in-law and I have opened up a webstore and have started selling handmade things. I am selling handmade jewelry, mainly earrings. I absolutely love doing this. I can sit for hours and make jewelry.... that is until my fingers start to hurt! B crochets and let me tell you.... she's really really good! I want to keep everything she makes for myself!! We had our first sale today - it was one of B's scarf & hat sets. It is super cute and I'm so glad she got her first sale! I hope they keep rolling in! So spread the word guys!! (If you live in the Indianapolis area, please contact me before purchase and I can get you a free shipping coupon code and then just hand deliver them to you!) You can check out our website here: www.KaraAndBrooke.com or view my sidebar for a slideshow of whats for sale!

Well, back to helping JB pack.... we are moving into mom's house friday. We are still selling the house but since JB is going to be gone I'm going to stay with mom. I don't want to be alone and freak out more than I already am with being pregnant.

Packing Sucks!

2009-06-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I officially hate packing. This has been the 4th move in the last two years. Let's just say we love change and we better get used to moving :)
We still don't have any orders in our hands yet, the military is sort of a hurry up and wait kind game but that's okay. I feel like that gives me a little more time to pack and keeps things less stressful. But If i get orders that say two weeks I'll start freaking out. We got the garage cleaned out tonight and boy was that a task. It was so hot today you walk out side and bam, your sweating. So we did that all day. Next step is the inside. We have a couple coming over to look at our house next week so we have to have the majority of the things thrown out or packed away. I hope to have most of the major cleaning and packing done in the next two weeks that way we just have the everyday needs left to pack when we get orders. It will take off that much more stress of the move.
My timeline:

Thursday: Sweep/dust/windows in the loft, guest bedroom, guest bedroom #2; laundry
Friday: sweep/dust/clean/mop the half bath and upstairs full bath; laundry
Saturday: sweep/dust/windows on the ledge above the front door; office; laundry; hallways; laundry room
Sunday: sweep/dust/windows in the living room and dining room; laundry
Monday: sweep/dust/mop/windows in the kitchen, pantry; laundry
Tuesday: take apart bunk beds, pack sheets/blankets, pack books/movies, pack hanging baskets and decorations
Wednesday: Pack up office stuff; laundry
Thursday: pack up all of JB's military stuff; laundry
Friday: Pack up any non essential kitchen items; laundry
Saturday: Pack up the nursery (this is going to be a really hard one!)
Sunday: Pack up all winter clothes, purses, accessories and bath items that are non essential

So yes I have a long list of things to do. There are still other things other than packing I have to do, like get all of our bills and important documents all together. Transfer all of our online things to my new email address. As soon as we have a new mailing address, change all bills, forward new address to friends and family and start planning on the actual move details. I also have to get into doctors offices and get all my medical records so if I do become pregnant, god willing... I can figure out what to do with the military doctors. That will for sure be nerve racking.
Well, anyway that's whats new with me! I'm back to lounging around. I'm super tired from cleaning the garage!
Xo
KB.

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-06-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

We'll yesterday was my birthday and I couldn't of asked for a better day.
To be honest, I was feeling down the few days before and was hesitant to even celebrate. But I got to gether with my close family and went to the pool, cooked out, played some cornhole and talked. And it turned out to be a very good day. I was able to laugh, truely laugh, and that felt very very good. I know Jayden was smiling down, because I was finally smiling again and wishing me happy birthday! Today is father's day and JB has yet to wake up. I'm going to try to make the day go as peacefully as possible but we all know that it's easier said than done.
Have a good day and happy father's day!
KB

A New Road

2009-06-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, Josh has finally decided to switch from Army National Guard to Active Army.
Which means we are about to be moving. I hate moving. But I am excited. I do love change. Although going from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom house will not be pleasant. But I'm looking forward to it. I'm not exactly going any where with my career right now, and this is something that Josh has been wanting to do for a long time now. The Army will pay for my college so I am thinking about maybe going back to school for radiology so that I can do ultrasounds or nursing. Something to keep me occupied. Jobs on post aren't that great and who knows what I'll be able to find in the city. But we'll see what happens as we make this transition to being part-time soldier citizen to full time military family.
This does however mean that deployments are in our future. It's the one part of the military that isn't my favorite. But to be honest, it's JB's favorite! He loved when he was overseas two years ago and has been wanting to go back.
We are just waiting for JB's NG unit to sign over his conditional release and off to the Army we go. We will be able to find out where we will go after he signs over to the Army. We have considered Germany - where JB was born, but there is alot of draw backs on my end of that tour. JB also would like Ft. Benning because it's the home of the Infantry. Ft. Knox is on our list too, that is only 2 hrs away from Indy so we'll be close to home to start out and make the transition easier. Who knows. They say we'll be able to pick but then again.... It's the army and we go where they need us.
I had lots of questions for the recruiter. We have 3 dogs and a cat who we could not part with and he said while they do have a 3 pet "policy" they are not strict on it and as long as we pay to get them were ever they need to go, we should be okay. We are still debating on how well we can handle 3 dogs in a smaller house but........ we'll see.
As for my medical issue, us getting pregnant and needing a specialist, he said that they will mark JB's file so that our housing is located very close to the hospital. I will be getting a specialist and my pregnancy should be taken well care of. I'm also getting a referral letter from my OB here to make sure that when the time comes, I'm getting the proper care that I will need for a subsequents pregnancy after loss.
I'm really excited but I'm overwhelmed with the "to do list" we have been given. We have to sell our house, get the dogs all their shots, pack up and have a garage sale because we have too much stuff to move! So, here's to our new journey and life as a full time military family.......
...mom, don't hate me. :) I'll still come visit. Promise.
KB

What a month!

2009-06-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well I know I am not updating here as much as I used to, but I do find that in a way its sort of a good thing. In our support group last month we did an exercise of how we felt right after our loss and how we feel now.
I went back and read all of my blog posts and I really see my ups and downs. But I also see that as I start to feel better and I start to be able to get back into living life and looking forward, I haven't blogged as much. I've felt good this last week. I hope that in the next few weeks things get a lot better.
Things have been crazy busy lately. Which is good. I like staying busy. Keeps my brain from thinking! We re-did my office and its amazing!! I will post pics later. We have re-done our flower bed, cleaned the house, gone to family events, military events, and tried to squeze one on one time in too. Who knew itd be so hard!
As for our trying for another beautiful baby boone, no luck last month. I was late and really bummed when "it" came. But hey. I do finally get to celebrate my bday this year. 16 days!!! Ill be 22! (Wow!)
Where did that number come from? Yeah I'm not sure either!
Alright well time to head home from work!!
Xo.
KB.

Ready.Set.Destress

2009-05-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

Alright. Yes I need to destress. You would think my vacation would of handled that for me but I managed to come home and get completely stressed out again. My anxiety is through the roof! I have officially accepted that I was born without the stress management skill. I don't have it.

Every little thing and even people litterally make me so stress I don't know what to do with myself at times. The littlest thinks erk me. The littlest disagree ment seems like the end of the world.
Not to mention I'm losing hair by the handful!! Make that.... Handful(s). I'm talking 4-6 handfuls after showering and another 1-2 throughout the day. Its a wonder I'm not bald yet!!!
I can proudly say that this month I have not let ttc consume me (and I still managed to get stressed out). But I haven't charted temps/discharge and I only peed on a stick for about 7 days and to be honest unless I make an effort to look at my fertility monitor, I can't tell you what cycle day I'm on. I generally know which week but that's about it. And I like it this way. Charting ruins me. Too stressful. I do know that AF (my period - aunt flow as other ttc-ers call it) should arrive next weekend. And I have pledged to myself that I will not test unless I miss my period.
So I'm ready for the weekend which for me approx. Starts at 130am on fridays since I work nights. We do have a busy one tho... Sat is tailgating at the race and sunday is the race and we get to go with the guard recruiting team, check out the pits and al that fun jazz!!
Okay well I'm back to work for now- I'm sure everyone can hear my thumbs texting away!!
Xo. KB

Back Again

2009-05-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I'm back in action. The vacation was wonderful but I am now home and getting back into a routine. I am now officially counting down until my 22nd birthday (32 days) and until we head to vegas for Kristin (sister) & Jason's wedding (86 days)!
We are also trying to figure out a time to take a trip to Canada to meet up with our new canadian friends we met on the cruise :) So that should be in the near future too!
Life is sort of back to normal. Mother's day went better than I had expected although all we did was sleep in an airport - but that was perfectly fine with me. Not much to remind me which day it was except for the few lovely text messages (thank you!!) and a screaming newborn in front of us on the plane (figures right?)
Mom came over and helped me clean the house this weekend! It was much needed since the the friends, who were staying with us until they found a place, found a place to call home. Dad fixed the toilet and messed with the water heater and mom and I cleaned/mowed the grass... okay mom did that - I admit i've never touched a lawn mower in my life - nor do I plan to. I consider that JOSH'S chore (except when mom comes to do it lol). I don't like getting dirty with grass stains.
Anyway, JB is in Nashville tomorrow so I'll be working and then starting to tear in to my big black whole. (AKA my office). I get all of our bills via e-mail so the fact that I also get paper mail doesn't quite work for me. I have a HUGE pile of mail that just needs to be shredded but our poor shredder can only handle 3 pages at a time - so it takes quite a while to do. I also need to clean out everything in the office because we are planning on re-doing my office!! YAY! making it into an official craft space and craft space alone. My sewing machine will finally have a place of it's own on an uncrowded desk and plenty of storage and shelving with room to grow!
Emotionally, things have been good. More good days than bad are starting to come, though those bad days can sure catch you off guard! TTC is getting frustrating. I know 3 months is nothing to a lot of people who try for years. But for me, it seems like an eternity. My brain thinks I should be pg 3 months ago and my heart knows i should already have a baby in my arms. So that on top of trying is just beyond my emotional control some days. I'm crossing my fingers as this week was "the week" particularly yesterday and today. JB left for Nashville today though so now it's the waiting period again. This month I have not charted temps and fluids because I find myself to get overly anxious and stressed. So this month I've just stuck to peed on a stick (I'm addicted lol) and using the fertility monitor which tells you what day your fertile. And I have noticed a lot less stress. So we'll see.... Check back in 10 +/- days for that result.
JB is good. Back to work and traveling for the military. He LOVED the cruise and we are ready to plan our next cruise vacation! Hopefully to Bahamas/eastern Caribbean!
Well back to work!
xo, KB

Cruise Day #6

2009-05-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I officially.....

Cannot scuba dive. *tears* I was fine, I was not nervous at all, until we got into the water. I couldn't get my breathing down. You can only take short breaths with the scuba gear and I just couldn't do it, not even in 6 feet of water. So Josh had to be a "merman" alone. He said it was beautiful though. Belize has the second largest coral reef in the world. He wasn't able to take the camera down that far (45ft) so we didn't get pictures but that's okay :) I'm glad he could enjoy it. Even if I did pussy out! =x
Minus the sunscreen I put on and the fact that I was under the canopy the whole time on the water, I still managed to get burnt :( My arms and face hurt! *ugh* But I am feeling better today. We were so exhausted we went to dinner and then sat around with J&S and talked until 1am then went to bed. We didn't participate in any of the activities. It's so fun to sit and talk with them and compare Canada with the US. lol
We are off to a Galley tour of the kitchen, and crew deck today at 3pm and then dinner at 6pm and carnival legends at 8pm (where carnival guests get to preform on the big rome lounge stage). Then we have power ball bingo at 9pm and a farewell party tonight at 11pm.
Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day. Since it is Mother's day. I have thought of Jayden non stop this whole time. And like I said, this vacation has been amazing, but I still don't "feel" any better. My heart still aches. We will be throwing rose petals off our balcony tomorrow in memory of Jayden. Even today has been a little rough, I have been on the verge of tears all day.
But at the same time, I'm not ready to come home. I wish we could stay on the ship forever! I love cruising. I love traveling. *If only i could quit my job and sail away* lol
update later-
me.

Cruise Day #5

2009-05-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a relaxing day. We had a "fun day at sea". I got up at 830am to go get some lounge chairs. We laid out until about 2pm and then went to take a nap, which turned into sleeping until dinner!! Tonight was an elegant night again. I wore my green and cream "bubble" dress and JB wore his suit. We love having formal nights. We got our pictures professionally taken and then attended the evening dance show. And then for a relaxing night with a movie on the sea-side theater (12 ft x 12 ft movie screen on the pool deck). Tomorrow we port in Belize. We are going scuba diving at 11am and then shopping and walking around. We have a funday following and then we will be back in Miami for mother's day. That's really going to be a hard day and I am not looking forward to it. We haven't told anyone about Jayden, it really hasn't come up and we of course know how awkward people get when we do talk about him. We, between the two of us, have talked about him alot though. We brought his pictures along. I didn't bring his blanket because I was so scared of something happening to it. *sigh* this trip has been great, don't get me wrong, but it def doesn't make anything better :( I miss my baby boy so so much! And of course I miss all of you as well :) And I'll be saying the same about the ship and the people we met once we are back home too! But off to a relaxing movie and I'll check in tomorrow night after scuba diving to the bottom of the sea!! :) Love, Me.

Cruise Day #1

2009-05-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hello! We are finally on our cruise! It's about 930pm and we are chillen in our room because the tops of my feet are very badly sunburnt. And my feet are actually starting to swell so 8am first thing I'll be checking out the medical center. (figures right? lol).
I can' hardly walk it hurts so bad. But we had a good two days in florida before our cruise. We flew in around noon and went to west palm beach to stay with M's family. We went out to eat and then to bed the first night. Then woke up around 10am and went to the beach at 11am. Stayed from 11am-4pm. During this time is when I got sooo burnt! Well, the only thing that is burnt is the tops of my feet....
The VIP is awesome too. When we got to the port at noon-thirty, we were taken to a VIP lounge while everyone else had to stand in snake/queue lines. It took from 1230-3 for everyone else to get on and we got on right away! We were able to go have a few drinks and enjoy the ship until our luggage got to the room. Only downside to VIP is that your luggage gets on first, and to your room last! Because they fill up the luggage in the bottom of the boat and then when they set said they go through and deliver it to you. *oh well, worth it :)*
now we are hanging out on the ship. It's fabulous! Our room is awesome, we have a king size bed, couch, vanity, bathroom, two big closets, private balcony. with a AWESOME view! We se sail at 4pm and slowly said good-bye to Miami Florida!!! We are officially out of the country! We had dinner at 6pm and had some awesome steak, mac n cheese and veggies and then some AMAZING *Chocolate Melting Cake*. It was like a thin cake layer with chocolate fudge in the middle. It's to die for!!!! We actually have a table for four for dinner. We were sat with another couple who is from Ontario Canada. They are 21 & 22 and really nice. We will probably hang out with them a little. It's their 2nd and 5th cruise. Glad we were sat with someone, we were worried about finding another couple our age to hang with.
We are going to hit up the 1030pm Welcome Aboard show and the probably turn in for the night because we are exhausted!!! We will be up first thing to see a dr about my feet because of the swelling (hopefully it's better in the morning) and then we are heading out to the pool to relax and lay out - don't worry - i'll be wearing socks!!!
We have taken alot of pictures already but the internet is satellite and it's slow. I have to type out my blogs and then get on and post them. And net is expensive too. So I'll try to get on Wednesday and post some pictures but no promises!!
Have fun wherever you are!!! :) We are having fun in the middle of the beautiful ocean!!!! Talk to you tomorrow with more updates!!!
(don't worry mom- i'm fine just a little sun burn..... :) )

I'm back again!

2009-05-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

Alright I guess I need to update a little bit. I've been absent for a week. Things are going okay. We leave for our cruise tomorrow at 6am! Our cruise got re-routed from cozumel mexico to belize city, belize because of the swine flu. Either way we still get to go scuba diving!!
We are anxiously awaiting for 6am to come around. I'm still running around trying to get things together and pack. I downloaded an audiobook, music and a few tv shows from itunes (private practice & the new 90210) so that I can be entertained during our flights and what not until we get to the boat on the 3rd. We are flying into tampa tomorrow, then driving to west palm beach to stay at JB's battle buddy's house, then driving to miami to get to the big boat :)
I will be able to update on the cruise. I can get 100min/$55 or 250/$100. I haven't decided which route i'll go. I am going to type up my posts prior to getting online to send so that I don't waste minutes. The internet is satalite and from what I hear, it's slow - so pictures will have to be a wait and see thing. I'll try to upload them to my google account (link is posted in the "where to find me links on the side panel -->" but don't count on anything because I don't want to waste my minutes uploading when I can be blogging! I'll probably blog while we are in the suite getting ready before dinner or if I need a break from the sun during the day. btw- we got upgraded from a regular balcony to a big suite because JB is military!! It has a whorlpool and a living room, bedroom, large private balcony, changing room/closets and a bathroom! I'm very excited even though we will not spend much time in the room itself!
So0o0o other than that nothing much is new. We got to see little miss Lilly Hope today. JB's battle buddy had a little girl on March 2. She's the cutest thing. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it but to be honest I loved holding her. She's such a good baby and so darn cute! I really have found I am fine around friend's babies. It's the "other" pregnant women I just am jealous of. I do not wish anything bad on any one of course. Just jealous. What bother's me the most is those stupid comments people can make. 4 months later and I still get them. It's frustrating but I am learning to keep my mouth shut and walk away. While others don't mean to be hurtful, alot of times it really is.
Also, happy 4 months old to Jayden!! I can't believe it's been 4 months already. Time has flown by, yet I still feel like it was yesterday and that I am kind of still stuck back in December. This month was another unsuccessful one. I was actually late 4 days. And I called my OB to get a blood test done before we left and not an hour after I was off the phone with her my ugly period showed it's face. I was bummed of course but trying to look at the bright side (still working on that) but I will be able to enjoy this vacation worry free (minus getting the swine flu lol) So hello to month #3 of trying for another gorgeous baby boone! OB has said that (she's really rooting for us) and that if we go for 4 months of trying with no luck to come in for a consultation and check up just to see what is going on. We should have some luck since we are using an expensive fertility monitor that tell us the exact days I am ovulating. So... we'll see how it goes.
Alright well, off to finish packing!! I'll take lots of pictures for you.
Oh also - since I will not be home until midnight on mother's day - happy mother's day to all of you. A special mother's day to all the special mother's (moms and g-mals and aunts) in mine and josh's life. We love you all so much and we can't say enough that you are so special and we don't know what we would do without you!
One more thing: Please keeps some prayers going for grandpa (josh's stepmom's dad) He's started his chemo on the tumor on his face. He's one of the strongest people I know, he goes through so much. So I know he can make it through this but prayers always help!! It will be zapping the energy right out of him, energy he already doesn't have.
Okay okay, time to pack although I'd much rather chat!
Love,
Kara

We hit $999!!!

2009-04-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Once again, my wonderful support system has pulled through! Our March of Dimes, March for Babies Team has hit $999! Only one dollar away from $1000!!! I am absolutely thrilled and another huge thank you goes out. (and yes, this has set me in to a burst of tears... i've been so emotional lately!)Our team walk information is below:

***If you collected cash or check please make sure that you take it to the bank on or before April 23rd. The participating banks are listed below and will not be taken by March of Dimes on the day of the walk.***
April 23rd is BANK DAY- We have 4 locations that you can take your team totals to:
Flag Star Bank (3 locations) 11:00 am to 1:00 pm
1.)     71st Street and Binford
2.)     7245 US 31 South
3.)     10617 E. Washington Street
March of Dimes Office 10:00 am to 5:00 pm
136 E. Market St., Ste. 500
Indianapolis, IN 46204
***I'd like to meet at 9am @ IUPUI so that I can hand out team tshirts, we can get our team photo taken and submit our team t-shirts for a contest!***
***Please park at the IUPUI Campus on New York Street*** We will meet in the parking lot.
***The walk is through the city not on the IUPUI track which is better than just walking in circles. I'd like to walk as a group and there are plenty of rest stops along the way so we can take a break. They also have hotdogs, water and fruit for walk participants at the end in military park.***
***Walk Schedule***
9am Registration Starts (Be there at 9am there will be lines)
9am-9:45am visit sponsors, team photo, tshirt competition
9:45am official announcements, presenting colors & national anthem
10am March Starts 4-miles make sure to pick up route card!
10:45-11:30am walk ends in Military Park with hotdogs, water, chips and fruit. Awards for raising over $1000. (THATS US!!!)
*AirBounce for the kids
*Kids ID Bus
*Famous Footwear giveaways
*FedEx water & Giveaways
*3 Bands playing in a shelter house for entertainment!
********
Again, thank you so much for participating and reaching $1000. I couldn't be more proud of our team. You all are amazing.
*******

Pain a reminder of my capacity to love

2009-04-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

This is probably one of my more different posts. In process for trying to have a positive attitude which I have found to easily come and go as it pleases, I have turned to a lot of different books dealing with grief and loss of a child. I have read several before and the book a friend gave me really hits a lot of points I really like and that it really puts me in a more positive mood about my pain.
So I am just kind of going to do some book notes on this book. For everyone else to learn and for me to to refer back to and remember.
Book: a piece of my heart by molly fumia
Pg XI: feel better by confronting the pain, not dismissing it. Honor the greif process, including your right to have your pain and feel it in order to be healed.
Pg XII: imagine the pain to be a reminder only of my capacity for love. (I feel this is true. Before Jayden I knew I loved and was loved but never have I felt this special kind of love. A mother-child bond. I've learned a lot of things about myself both as a wife and a mother. Now I understand what my mom was always telling me "you'll understand one day" - mom I do!)
Pg 4: to remember the past is to be more alive, more human in the present.
Unexpected thruths: I had a right and need to mourn. That my feelings were honorable and important, and that I was not alone in my agony but joined by enough tiny unlived lives and grieving parents to fill the heavens ten times more.
Pg 13: suddenly her future was full of meaning. (From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew, just like my mother had, that this is what I want. A family. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom and raise beautiful children, and now that's what hurts me the most. My hopes and dreams have been crushed. Though I hope only for a short time.)
Pg 44: Dear God, let it be this child who will lead me through life's secrets, and give meaning to everything that is meaningless.
Pg75: survival meant never to forget. He survived by remembering.

Seriously??

2009-04-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

Well once again these last few days have been horrible. We got our final blood test result back.The test that we had done through our maternal/fetal specialist was a blood antibody test.
This tested the levels of the antibodies I presently have in my blood. They did this because a significant amount of Jayden's blood had bled out into mine when he hemorrhaged. Unfortunately, my test results came back with positive antibodies. A very large amount of IgE antibodies. (Immunoglobulin E). The nurse practitioner that I talked to on the phone was not very specific so I still have tons and tons of questions. I have put a phone call into my OB to see if she can clarify the details
From what my research has shown, (aka google and medical journals) Hyper-IgE causes immune disorders. Such as allergies to dogs, cats, house dust mites, milk and eggs. It also can cause recurrent infections to the eyes, ears, sinuses and lungs.
In biology, Immunoglobulin E (IgE) is a class of antibody (or immunoglobulin "isotype") that has only been found in mammals. It plays an important role in allergy, and is especially associated with type 1 hypersensitivity.^[1]Although IgE is typically the least abundant isotype - blood serum IgE levels in a normal ("non-atopic") individual are only 0.05% of the IgG concentration^[7], compared to 10 mg/ml for the IgGs (the isotypes responsible for most of the classical adaptive immune response) - it is capable of triggering the most powerful immune reactions.
Now, the nurse said that with future pregnancies, I will have to be monitored very closely. They will do a 12 week amnio and do a DNA analysis to determine what is going on. Depending on those results, we will most likely have to go back for many ultrasounds and tests to monitor. Because from what I understand, my body is going to treat the baby as if it is an allergen. meaning I am technically going to be allergic to the baby and that my antibodies will try to fight it off since it has a resistance to Jayden's blood type now. She said that future pregnancies can come out just fine, I will just be very high risk and have lots of monitoring.
To be honest, I do not want a sick child. But I would like a living child and deal with asthma. (asthma seems to be the most likely result out of all the ones listed above, those are just possibilities not for sure problems).
I am still very nervous about getting pregnant again. Apart of me wants a baby so badly and would deal with asthma or other infections etc. But at the same time I feel selfish for even thinking about putting my child through that. I honestly can't tell you how I feel. I'm just so torn and my heart is so broken. I want to have my own children so badly. I am ready to be a mother. I just feel... well, selfish i guess. Josh and I did agree that if this pregnancy did not work out that we would look into adoption. But that will be a last resort.
For this month, we test on the 24th, which is JB's 21th birthday. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I want to be pregnant or not. I do more than anything but like I said, there are so many risks. But if I am, I will be so happy. I may not show it at first and I'll be scared out of my mind but the thought of a baby in my arms makes me smile. Jayden needs a little brother or sister.
Well on a lighter note, JB has drill this weekend. So I am going to hang out with my mom in the morning tomorrow and then stay the night with one of the girls we go to support group with. Her husband is gone with the military as well so figured a girls weekend sounded like a good idea. Pizza, movies and being bums!!
Well I'll update more once I talk with our OB tomorrow or monday. Probably monday. Have a great weekend world!!!
love,
Me.

I sent this to my boss...

2009-04-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

20 Things parents of Angels wish you would remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is
just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve
your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't
think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I
need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts
help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The
truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and
that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my
baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that
you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me.
The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams
I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories.
Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like
that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth
is we both know I had a baby growing inside me for 39 weeks.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I
should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and
we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or
if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I
should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to
act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my
baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated,
confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with"
in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it
may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and
it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life.
My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my
baby's body and face. My baby was a real person. He was perfect in every way possible.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died (our angel-versary)
and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth
is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on
these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I
am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If
you keep waiting for me to get back
to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new
thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real
me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth
is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby.
Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have
fertility problems or medical conditions that prevent us from biological children.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby
or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to
make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my
friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone
thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is
uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, sad, angry, upset and a failure.
I do not wish this on anyone, but please, I will be happy for you later. Right now
is not a good time.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me
something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no
matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say
"next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you
say if it happens to me again?
I hope this helps you see the "new me". I can't control the path my greif takes me. I'm learning the road as I go. This is only to help you try and understand what I am going through and how I am feeling, but again you won't fully understand unless you have experienced it for yourself, and I pray with all I have that you never will. It is not fair for a parent to bury their child. It's not supposed to work that way. Please know, your thoughts, prayers, support mean more to me than anything in the world. And alot of days, are the only things getting me through my day.
==============================================

A Thankyou is in order

2009-04-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

Okay. The day I signed up for the march for dimes :: march for babies walk, I set our team goal to $300, thinking that we would maybe it $150 atleast. You all are amazing. WE HIT $475!!!!!

I am just floored at all the support our friends and family have given us. March of dimes mission really touched our hearts. Not only do they do research for babies, but are working on research for the blood disorder the doctors think I have when I am pregnant. I was in tears this morning when I saw the total hit $475!! :)
I can't tell you all how much it means to us that you have donate and joined our team to walk. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!!
We love you baby Jayden. We love you and miss you so much. Keep watching over us. We are always watching for you ;) see you soon baby boy!! Love you

status: one rough day after another :: bother me only if it's imprtant

2009-04-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Title say much? Like I said one after another. 3 months later I'm still a mess and sadly I envision me like this years to come. Although I do pray it gets the least bit easier any day now.

I got an email asking if I was every going to turn my blog into a book. Lol *dreams*
So I do think I've been a little bit hard on my job. With getting switched to night shift and having co-workers pretend I was never pregnant or have a son, I was ready to give up. Just wanted to quit. But today, I'm trying to look at the brightside of things!
1. *WHEN* I get pregnant again, I have days open for appointments, sunshine, and husband quality time outside, and gardening!
2. since ppl don't talk to me, no stupid comments are said and in return my mouth, with the returning arguement of their stupid comments, won't get me in trouble.
Step one: thinking positive. Check!
I've decided to spend a little time each day in our front flower bed when I start my night shift next week. We r dedicating it to Jayden! A little sunshine should help my mood! Hopefully. Give me some alone time with mr. Jayden too.
Although I'm thinking positive - those dreadful down moments still show up. I cried on my way home last night. Cried during marley and me when jen was told there was no heartbeat. Cried when I went to bed. No wonder my vision sucks - I'm always crying!
I did find comfort in another mother's blog where she stated what her pastor had said at their funeral. Jayden was perfect. He never sinned. Was never faced with this horribly ugly awful world, he never had to struggle through a bad economy, he never new evil. He was taken away as perfect as anyone could be. And will forever be perfect, in both mine and God's eyes. That comforts me. He IS perfect. In every way.
So, mother's day is coming up. I originally was going to spend the day starting on the flower bed but then realized may 10th is mothers day and we get home from vacation at 11pm. So ill shoot for the following day. I'm glad ill have distractions that day, but crying in airports and on planes, ppl will think I'm nuts. I'd rather just spend the day with my mommy. We'll have to do something before our trip then.
Poor JB - a lady at his work had a baby in february and manages to constantly talk about how big, how great, her little girl is. She smiles so much etc etc. JB just can't handle that - and while everyone is entitled to brag, you'd think she would atleast keep her mouth shut when JB is in the operator chat working. Other operators have noticed that she really only ends up saying things when JB is online working. I'm sure she doesn't mean to but its taking a toll on him. He never says anything about how he is feeling and he finally cracked today. :( I wish I could just tell her to shut the hell up. We r happy she got her baby but we lost ours and how inconciderate can you be??? I'd really like to have a little chat with her but its JB's place not mine. But boy if I had a chance she has no clue what's coming!!! Hurting my husband like that who does she think she is!!!!????
Anyway- back to work for me before I get myself upset over things being said around JB and hurting his feelings :(
Have a good day - ill be at work enjoying my lovely job. Alone in my corner!
Xoxo
Jayden's mommy

Just throwing this out there

2009-03-31T15:42:00.000-07:00

I hate when people pretend Jayden never existed.

Cruise!!!

2009-03-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

Man, 3 posts in a roll!!

So Josh and I are taking a VACATION!! We've never actually had a real vacation. We've gone to Nashville, Effingham, Atlantic city but never a super big vacation. Well come May, we will be!! We decided to use our tax $$ and take a cruise to the Western Caribbean!
We are going on Carnival Cruise Lines on the Triumph ship to Ocho Rios, Jamaica; Grand Cayman Islands; Cozumel, Mexico! It's going to be a blast. Our cruise is 7 days total. Our ship's top features are a 12'x12' movie screen on the deck under the stars, wine bar, coffee bar, dance club, mini-golf, water slides, hot tubs, 3 pools, casino, theater for comedians, las vegas type shows, musicals etc, and sports bar, just to name a few! We got a balcony stateroom so that we can have a private dinner on our balcony and enjoy some alone time as well as enjoying the rest of the ship!
Oh and have NO fear! For $10 we can get wifi, so we will be able to take my precious mac book computer to update you with pictures of our wonderful time!!! *You know those lovely "wish you were here" kind of letters you know you love so much*
We have talked it over with carnival and they will not allow us to let balloons off for Jayden on the boat, (because they are not biodegradable. I've found several articles that LATEX balloons are biodegradable.... anyhow, we are still trying to come up with a good idea. They said we can throw flower petals over board, have a prayer with the captain of the ship, or something of that nature. Or leave a yellow rose at each port before we leave with a little note tied to the stem. We don't know what we will do yet, but we are trying to think of something special. But at the same time, we do want it to be something fun, this trip is supposed to be a pick me up so it's got to be something that won't dull the moment either. Kinda polar opposites huh? Any suggestions, just reply at the bottom of the post!!!
Here are some pictures from the carnival website! We are thrilled and We got our passports, everything is paid for and we are ready to go..... no we just have to wait 30 more days *sigh*

Maternal/Fetal Specialist

2009-03-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Well we had our first (of many) appointments with our maternal/fetal specialist. Dr. S was great. You can tell that he knows what he is doing. (Thank goodness!!) He is very "to the point" about things yet has a great bedside manor and is not rude or inconsiderate at all. (We've heard horror stories about different doctors).
we feel very comfortable in the aspect that we can kind of sit back and relax because we are in good hands.
He pretty much just said that there obviously isn't a test that tells you what is wrong, but that they are doing the best they can to piece together the puzzle and figure it out. Right now we pretty much have the same information as before. Jayden just lost way too much blood. As to why he hemorrhaged, we are not 100% for sure, it could of been a lot of different things. We do know there was no initial trauma involved that caused him to bleed. It seems to be more of a backflow through the umbilical cord.
The took more blood - that makes 13 tubes taken in the last week!! I am pretty sure I don't have any left either. But they will be monitoring my antibodies to make sure they stay low sine I had majority of Jayden's blood backflow into my blood stream. He has me on prescipt iron, folic acid, prenatal, baby aspirin. As soon as we do find out we are pregnant, we have to call right away. As soon as they establish a heartbeat (normally 6-7 weeks) they will put me on two shots of low dose heparin a day. Yes, those are shots that I have to give to my self!! :( then from there its extensive monitoring of my blood, the baby, etc. I will be having a c-section due to me not being big enough and that causes shoulder problems for the baby. Right now he said it will be a wait and see game to when I will deliver. He said normally around 30 wks they will decide and schedule a day. It will defiantly be between 36-38 weeks. He wants to aim for no sooner than 37 because too soon can cause more problems than needed. However, everything happened between 38-39 weeks so we'll just have to monitor closely.
We will have a rented fetal heart monitor at home. www.tinyheartbeats.org rents them to couples who have had a loss, so that they can have a piece of mind. We so will get one at 12 weeks.
Well, again, back to work!!! (I hate work :/)
Xoxo

Getaway Weekend!

2009-03-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, this last weekend we decided to drive to Effingham, Illinois. (Yes that's actually the name!) We visited some of Josh's moms side of the family. Saw uncle Jeff and Gina, uncle rick, Angie and Brent, grandma sherry and grandpa Dallas, Cathy, Eric and Darcy.

It was a great getaway! We were out in the country and went shooting. I shot a .22, .380, .40, .45, AK47, trapdoor Springfield (the one gen custard used!) And some others. It was so much fun and surprisingly enough, I actually hit the targets!! Be proud!
After that we visited grandma sherry and Dallas and I absolutely love their house. Their back yard is just miles of rolling hills. It was very peaceful. (So peaceful JB and I fell asleep!!)
After that we headed back to gina's moms for a chill/hot dogs/hamburger dinner and played this awesome card game called hand and foot. It was so much fun!!! It was guys vs. Girls. And yes of course the girls won!!! :)
By the end of the game, it was pretty late so we headed home. JB and I talked the whole way home (although I believe I dosed off here and there). On the way to and from Effingham off of 70 I believe, there is the worlds largest cross. (Ill post pics later). It's made of metal and it is huge!! We have decided for Jayden's first birthday, we would like to go out there, pray and let off the blue balloons we are getting made. They are going to say: Jayden Henry Boone born with wings on 12.30.2008" with a little angel graphic from balloonprinting.com.
Well back to work for me! Ill post our pictures later!!!
With love
Kara

KateCares Test Results

2009-03-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

Well it's been three months since I delivered Jayden and we finally have our report back from a stillbirth program called Kate Cares....It's a program that took care of the autopsy and got all of our test results together and had several doctors from other hopsitals try to come up with some ideas of what happened and just look into it all further. I have a really hard time reading the report because it's all in medical terminology but from the way our OB explained it:

I have high protien C and low protien S (blood clotting issues)
It's possible that Jayden hemorrhaged (for some reason) and instead of bleeding out to where I would expel the blood and see that there was something wrong, he bled back through the umbilical cord and back into the placenta causing tiny little blood clots. It's possible that this also caused a small abruption as the blood clots covered about 10-30% of the placenta.

So that is what I got from the OB but i think there is a little more to it and I am just un sure of how to read the report. We go to a maternal/fetal specialist on Monday 3/23. He should go over the entire report with us in detail and explain it to us so that we fully understand. Then we will discuss the risk all of this poses on subsequent pregnancies as well as what our action plan will be for subsequent pregnancies. I do know that they will be delivering me between 36-37 weeks because all of the above occured between 38-39 weeks gestation. I will also be having a c-section due to the fact that I am just really not made to vaginally deliver. Jayden was only 6lbs 5oz and I had ad really really hard time getting him out. I also had lots of complications with my episiotomy so the best solution seems to just go the c-section route.
Our OB explained that the most likely route for subsequent pregnancies would be to take baby aspirin and then two shots of a blood thinner that is called Heparin. I will also have to have my antibodies monitored since I have antibodies against Jayden's blood type. If the next baby has the same blood type as Jayden, some preventative measures may need to take place so that my antibodies don't attach the babies blood cells thinking they are bad and is a virus or infection.
Josh and I were already given the okay to try again, and this was our first month. So right now we are on our "two week wait" to see what happens. I'll be able to test around the 24th of march (the earliest) but wil probably wait until the 28th to get a more accurate test.
As for our emotional well-being, it's been really tough. We were finally starting to cope with the fact that there was no known cause. Then now we have to start back over with there something being wrong with me. I have been craving for an answer for the last 3 months. I needed the question of WHY? answered. But now that I have an answer, it does not make me feel at all better. I feel worse, I feel guilty. The question "Why didn't I know something was wrong" keeps shooting through my brain. I feel guilty that I'm here and he isn't. I keep crying constantly. I've been more emotional in the last two days than I have in the last few weeks. I was starting to just become numb to everything around me and now I feel cut back open again and learning to cope all over. I've been so unhappy with going back to work. I have found that I am just not happy with alot of the things I used to love to do. I have a very very hard time focusing on things, such as work. I find myself thinking, and honestly bawling my eyes out most nights at work. I don't want to quit, in all honestly financially I can't quit, but I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like we need to run away and just start over, but in the end I know that is no way to fix anything.
I've been completely reliant on my two support groups. Our support group through the hospital that we go to once a month has been a real crutch. We'd be lost with out it. We've met some amazing couples, who unfortunately have been put on the same journey we are now going through. Some going to group for almost ten years, and others who are fresh into this as we are. We have made really good friends with several of the couples and we meet and talk with them outside of group quite often. It's really nice to have someone call you and just say "how are you" who understand exactly what you are feeling and you don't feel crazy explaining things going on. They aren't going to think you need to go see a pyciatrist! The other support group is an e-mail group called SPALS. (subsequent pregnancy after loss support) and it's full of women who have lost babies, who are again TTC and who are currently pregnant with a baby after a loss. It's nice to be able to shoot an email and get tons of responses, different points of view, answers and feeling good when you can answer back to one of theirs. As for JB, He's been quiet about it. I know he's struggling and I just don't know how to help him. I hate to see him hurt so much, but at the same time there is nothing I can do to fix it for him other than to hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. We talk to Jayden very often, we visit him atleast once a week and we miss him so much. Life is just completely upside down and we are still, 3 months later, trying to turn it right side up again.
Well - that's that for ya! Thanks for reading :)
Jayden's Mommy.

.Test.Results.

2009-02-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

We got our re-test of the blood clotting disorder back

and now it's normal. So our doctor is ruling that out and we officially have no medical reason for Jayden's passing. Although I have ran into a few people who say that they only have a blood clotting disorder when they are pregnant. So we will be seeing a maternal-fetal specialist to have these tests looked into more closely because we are not ready to just throw the possibilty out the window just yet.
On a happier note, Josh and I are officially trying to concieve (TTC). We thought that we would wait a while after but we have both agreed that although we are still grieving for Jayden and no baby could EVER replace him, we are really ready to be parents. Now more than ever we want a baby in our arms. We know that it will take a lot of emotional strength to get thorugh another pregnancy along with alot of stress and tears but we are completely up to it. I think our families would probably like some grand kids around too, and not the furry kind (since they have tons already).
So here we go on another journey through the whole TTC process. We are charting cycles, seeing our maternal/fetal specialist for advice as well as our normal OB. Send the good luck baby dust our way!
We met with our support group for dinner on tuesday night and that was awesome. We went to olive garden and had a great time. It's so nice to be around others who have also lost their angels. Not that it comfort us to know they have, but they do completely understand and we don't have to feel bad about certain things around them. I don't think any of us appreciated it though, when the waiter asked us if we needed childrens menus...... yeah... wrong question to ask huh! Well we look forward to group on 3/10 :)
Well that's all for now! Chat at cha later on!
(WE LOVE AND MISS YOU BABY JAYDEN HENRY BOONE!!!! 12-30-2008)

March of Dimes :: Team JaydenHenryBoone

2009-02-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

Josh and I have decided to walk in the March of dimes, March for babies walk on April 26, 2009 in Indianapolis.
We have created Team JaydenHenryBoone in memory of our son, Jayden, who was born sleeping on 12/30/2008. We hope to reach our goal in donations and get friends and family to join in our walk.
We are very excited to be able to participate in this walk. Our team is formed in memory of Jayden but also in memory of all the babies who have been lost. We have met so many people who have gone thorugh the same thing we are going through. It breaks our hearts even more to see just how common this is. So the money we raise will be donated to March of Dimes to support research for premature birth, birth defects and infant mortality.
CLICK HERE TO JOIN OUR TEAM, DONATE TO OUR CAUSE, OR FIND A WALK IN YOUR AREA!
http://www.marchforbabies.org/645165

.Drill.Weekend.

2009-02-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

Lovely military. they leave me sitting at home alone this weekend while they take away my soldier. But I'm doing "okay". Hanging in there I suppose you could say.

Today has been probably one of my better days. Alot has been going on this last week and I feel so discombobulated! I finally get to relax in peace and quiet. This morning mom, kristin and I went to a "faith in tough times" workshop at Indian Creek. And we are going to church tomorrow morning there too. Josh and I are still in search of a church that we "fit into". We don't want too big of a church that we get lost in the crowd but we don't want a super small church full of everyone BUT our age group. We need a happy medium that has lots of activities and such for us to get involved in. We have been feeling really good lately about strengthening our faith and we just need that next step such as a church to call HOME.
Last wednesday we had our check up at the OB. The autopsy, chromosomes and placenta came back without any abnormalities. All of my blood tests came back normal except for one. The one that is the protien C blood clotting disorder. our OB said that being pregnant and the hormones can affect the test results (they took it originally right after i delivered jayden). So she is retesting it to see if it was the hormones or if it is really abnormal and we will know in about a week.
If it does come back abnormal, there could of possibly been a blood clot in my placenta that restricted blood flow and oxygen to the baby. This means that I would have to take baby asprin and when I get pregnant next I will have to get two shots a day of heprin or lovenex in my belly to reduce the chance of blood clotting. If this test comes back normal, we have officiall no reason why this has happened.
A part of me wants an answer. I need an answer to cope and move forward. But the other part of me doesn't because if it is this blood clotting thing, it's something that can be tested for and PREVENTED. But they don't test unless you have a loss. Even though it is so common! So it angers me to know that Jayden could be here right now if we would have known about this problem. I guess I have alot of mixed feelings about it all.
After our appointment with our OB Josh and I went to visit Jayden. We got him so pretty fresh yellow flowers and a "it's a boy balloon" that we tied around his headstone and a big yellow star one with a little note attached that we released into the sky. It was neat to watch the balloon float up up and away to Jayden. I hope he got our message! Some one left some pretty silk flowers out at Jayden's grave. Not sure who it was but THANK YOU! :) I sure hope it starts to get warm soon so that the cemetary will look alive again, and I mean alive as in the green grass and trees! lol. Anyway! and we will hopefully get is official headstone set in at the end of march if it is warm enough!
Oh and I have had some amazing friends! A few of my friends from ETSY.COM (who make handmade jewelry) have donated some charms to put into my Baby Angel Boxes! http://angelbabykits.wordpress.com
Well - I am off to enjoy my saturday relaxing before kristin mom and heather come over to hangout for a little girls night!
Have a great weekend xoxo mommy to an angel

Dare to Love?

2009-02-14T23:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines day! JB and I went to his church for a marriage enrichment night. We absolutely loved it.

We had dinner, lazagna, salad and breadsticks, and watched a christian movie called Fireproof. This movie is about a firefighter who finds himself in a failing marriage. Him and his wife are to the point that they are filing for divorce. He doesn't understand what went wrong and only blaming her. His father gives him a book called the Love Dare. It's 40 days of daring to love and learning to love through Gods eyes. I recomend this movie to everyone, even if you are not expierencing problems in your relationship. It gives you a great vision of what it is to love, how to love and most important, how to love through God's eyes. We all received the Love Dare book and JB and I are going to read it through. The book is meant to be passed on, so when we are finished with it, we will be passing ours on. I will be keeping blogs of my journey through this dare. You will be able to find my posts under my sidebar links "Love Dare::40 days".
So besides that, Things have been looking up today. I finally had a good day. We went to support group last tuesday and I just can't believe how helpful the group is. There are some wonderful people who are in the group with us. It's good to know that we ARE NOT going crazy, although most of the time we feel we are. And It's just down right good to know that we are not alone and there are others going through the same feelings, emotions, problems. (unfortunately of course). We all even agreed that we hated that group was only once a month, because honestly, once a day would be much better. It's hard enough to get through every minute of each day let alone getting through an entire month before we go to group again. JB finally opened up and talked. I'm so proud of him. I'm so glad that he will talk in front of others. I feel like it's a good thing to see the other fathers cry. JB agreed to go to an individual counselor for Jayden and for his PTSD and for US. I think that it will help. We benefit so much from group that I think going to a counselor will only help us. =D
Oh and Elyse and I got memberships at the anytime fitness down the street. It's open 24 hours so we can go whenever... we are on day #3 :) And going strong! It feels so good and such a stress reliever!!!!
We have been trying to do something in memory of Jayden. We finally agreed to make Baby Angel Kits. These are boxes for situations such as miscariage, stillbirth, and neonatal death. I have much more information on these kits on my other blog/webpage: http://angelbabykits.wordpress.com. I have had several Etsy handmade artists donate little angel charms for rememberance necklaces for the couples. We are also going to include Baby Angel NB hats, Angel Picture Frames, Poems, and possibly a teddy bear. Although we do need donations to help with the costs of the boxes. (each box is $7). So we are hoping that we will get a good start with this and be able to donate several boxes in Jayden's memory.
I can't wait to go see Jayden tomorrow before we go to church and visit JB's mother in portland tomorrow. We haven't seen her since the funeral and feel we need to go see them.
(Me - I curled my hair for v-day!! i love it - if only it didn't take 2hrs to do!!)

In Memory of JHB ^i^

2009-02-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

osh and I have been thinking and thinking about what to do for Jayden's first birthday. We know it's a year away but we want to do something VERY special. I've already taken off work for it. So far, this is our plan:

Lay in bed and look at pictures
Go to the cemetery to donate for infant headstones (see below)
Let 1 Blue balloon with a note in it to Jayden an 39 white balloons off at Jayden's ~~grave~~ "BED".
Go out to dinner to celebrate Jayden
Spend the evening going through his memory box and looking back on those 39 weeks we spent with him.

We decided that we are going to save $50 here and there to donate to families who have babies buried in the infant circle at the cemetary where Jayden sleeps. There are so many graves that are unmarked and it breaks our hearts. The cemetary rep said it's probably that they can't afford it, obviously not because they didnt want one. The temp headstones that the cemetary offers are white marble looking stone with black engravged letters are $50 each and that $50 is also put towards a permanent headstone. So we are going to try to donate as many temps in memory of Jayden. Hopefully we can get most if not all of those little precious babies a little stone with their name and dates. <3

I'm Back... Stumbling

2009-02-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

Well it's been awhile since I blogged. I just couldn't bring myself to writing. As much as it helps for me to put my feelings down on.... online... I also have a hard time getting through the actual writing process due to tears making a very blurry screen. It doesn't work so well... and neither do computers getting wet, even from the smallest of tears.
But I am back. Slowly but surely. Not because I'm feeling better today but because I hit a damn brick wall. I've been doing okay lately. And by okay, I mean I'm here. I'm going through the motions of life, work ect. Trying to enjoy the good things in my life... my family, my husband, my puppies and cat, my friends. But at the same time I feel like I'm stuck in this awkward world. What happened to my normal happy go lucky life? It's completely gone. Forever. I'll never be the same person I was, sadly and I miss the old me. I never really had to worry about much or think about much. Everything just came to me as is and I went with it. Thinking that a deployment through Iraq would be the hardest thing JB and I would have to go through. Yeah were we wrong or what? I feel stupid for ever even thinking that! But I really do miss those days where I would come home from school, eat oreos, watch TV, have practice, see josh, maybe work and go to bed and do it all over again. Sadly, I am in a routine but a little different. I wake up (normally crying from a horrid dream), go to work, cry at work, cry driving home from work, sit at home and blog or sew and cry all at the same time, then try to lay in bed to fall asleep, which these days are absolutely impossible to do and take a guess. yes... I cry.
I hate crying. I really do. I am so tired of it. My heart hurts so bad. And my poor eye lids and lashes. They are miserable. I've been trying to deal with my emotions but I sure as hell lost that war. JB and I haven't talked much about everything. We always mention Jayden, trying to normally to make the mood a little lighter... but at the same time... we are scared to talk about him too. I am scared to really bring anything up because sometimes I can see JB having an okay day and I don't want to ruin it for him.... but in turn that leaves me a major mess all to myself which isn't helping either. I hate to be the "debby downer" every single day.... I honestly wish I was a guy and knew how to just bottle my feelings up and go on with life. Sadly, I know that this will go on for a long time. I am not going to just get over it. But I'm not sure how to handle it either. I'm driving my self crazy thinking about everything and dealing with it all.
It's even worse at work. I swear everyone is not making it easier. Everyone used to always come to S and I's desk to chat and have a small break during the day.. (okay alot of chat breaks!) But now that I've returned to work, it seems like I'm contagious. No one hardly comes to our desk to talk except a few closer co-workers who knows most all the details already. But for those who just heard what happened via my e-mail to my boss... they stare at me like I'm an alien and avoid me when I'm walking down the hall or in the bathroom. (not that it isn't an awkward place to talk anyway... but still). I don't know how many times I just sit at my desk and cry because no one will talk to me or ask me about Jayden. I know it's not appropriate to send out an email saying.... " ASK ME ABOUT MY SON!!! " but I swear there are somedays I want to just scream at everyone. I've posted pictures in my cubicle thinking that that would spark a convo.. and not once has someone said anything about it. I can seem them glance at it as they walk by but seriously....
Okay so I know that they don't know what to say and don't want to hurt me. But It hurts me more to feel like a contagious alien than to talk about Jayden. Jayden was my son. He is real. He was here. He is still my baby. He didn't just... vanish. I guess it just adds to my already spinning head of emotions and in turn makes me absolutely hate going to work and only praying... maybe i'll get fired and I can stay home and be a bum.(not that I can afford that..or really NEED that either but still...)
On another note... my OB office called today. She wanted me to come in for a check up and exam. I told her I needed a thursday or friday morning because of my work schedule. She said that she didn't have a thurs/fri until march and that we could wait that long but Asdell wants to see me as soon as possible because she got all my test results back and wants to talk to me. So I told her I would just take a personal day at work and she scheduled me for next Wednesday (the 18th). She said she was scheduling it for an hour appointment block that way we had enough time to do the exam, and talk with asdell about the test results and "deal with everything". I completely think I was originally over-interpreting her voice and tone but I think my stomach just churned right up into a knot. For whatever reason, I felt like she was implying something was bad, or wrong. I had the worst gut feeling ever and got very teary eyed. She couldn't give me any test results over the phone because she was just a receptionist. Everyone I've talked to ensured me that they are just setting aside extra time becuase we will have alot of questions and it will open sore wounds that will cause alot more emotional pain no matter what the outcome.
I guess the worst thing is that for weeks I've been going insane over needing an answer to cope with Jayden's death. But now that we have test results, I keep trying to tell myself to just forget it and not find out. I don't feel I could deal with it at all if something was wrong with me and I was the reason this happened. I get sick thinking about hearing the test results, although I do keep playing senarios in my head and that is driving me nuts too... I swear my brain has a mind of its own... well okay obviously... it's a brain, but seriously... it's driving me insane. I feel like it's detached from me and it's only motive is to torture me and egging on these crazy emotions.
As I read back on this post, I see that it's very depressing. I'm sorry. Actually no, not really - I'm only telling it like it is, how I am feeling. I swear I can't wait for the day where the good days out weigh the bad.... but that scenario seems to be so far out in the future.... like a distant sky of stars.
Well off to bed... to stair at my ceiling, pray I can fall asleep without taking ambien, and to have pleasant dreams - If I could ever have those again.
Night world.
Good night Jayden Henry - Mommy loves you. Sweet dreams.

Snowed In...In Nashville

2009-01-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

So JB and I are in Nashville until Thursday. And of course, it is snowing today. I had made plans to go drive around today and go sight seeing. But no, the snow decided to come and keep me couped up in this hotel! Luckily, I have a book to read, a blog to write and a weight room to visit.
JB is meeting with the head of the national guard today. COL Jones came into town to meet with the hero on call staff. JB said depending on the time, he may be able to grab me something to eat for lunch or bring me to lunch. But that just depends on COL's schedule. Otherwise, I am stuck eating the hotel room service which, by the way, sucks! $15.00 for a potato cut in half, over cooked to where it's crunchy with nasty barbq pulled pork stuffed inside. Sounded good.... tasted disgusting!!! Mc D's is right across the street... maybe I can get the car to go, or walk. Burr.
Well off to the weight room for #2 today. bback later xoxo!

A First of Many "Would Have Been" Firsts

2009-01-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Most parents are celebrating happy firsts with their child. A First smile, a first tooth, a first christmas, a first birthday. Now while everyone else is celebrating happy firsts... mine are not so happy. We get to celebrate "a month ago today we found out his heart stopped" and "He would be one month old today" and "this would of been his first Christmas".

Today marks the day, that a month ago, We found out our precious angel's heart had stopped beating. And Starts a long 35 hours of waiting for induction to kick in to deliver him. Friday will mark that Jayden would be a month old. To me the days and even hours drag on but at the same time I feel like it's flow by so fast.
Friday is my first day back to work - not such a good day to go back, but I have to. I am dreading all the questions I am going to get. Or much worse, the looks I'll get. Most everyone at work knows what happened so either they will ask how i'm doing (which hello stupid question!! I'm NOT! I'm not doing okay and I'm not doing fine, i'm just not doing.) Or to me, it's even worse when people just STARE at you like you are a freak with this little look of pity in their eyes but you can see they are too afraid to walk up to you. It makes me cry even more when I get this...
I just need a little smile, a huge hug, and just to know that you are there if I need you. Love support and prayers. that's it. I don't need to be looked at with the look that says "that poor girl, she lost her baby". No thank you. And Although, no matter what is said or done.... I WILL cry. It's a given. But it helps me more to talk about Jayden than to have awkward conversations trying to creep around that subject. I LOVE talking about my little boy and honestly it helps me cope more.
So If I get one more of those stares or awkward conversations, I think I am going to freak out! I feel like punching people right in their faces!!!! I know you don't know what to say, so don't say anything at all. A huge will do much better.
What a vent... I'm going to workout now!!!!

Going to Nashville... Again...

2009-01-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

Well JB was told yeterday that Col. Jones was going to be in town in Nashville to visit the Hero On Call center for the 1800goguar web site.
(for those of you who don't know, we live in Indy and JB works from home on the net). Well since he is manager now, we have been making tons of trips to Nashville. It isn't required that we move down there but we've gone to Nashville three times in 1 .5 months. I think they are trying to have us come down, so we get worn out and just move. They have been bugging us to move since before we bought our house in Indy last march. But we just can't move. Family is too important to us, And there is no way I can leave mine and JB couldn't live away from his daddy either ;) He's defiantly a daddy's boy for sure. Now on top of that, Jayden is right down the street from our house. We picked this cemetery so we wouldn't have to travel far when we wanted to go see him. If we lived in Nville... that would be a 4 hour drive home. I just don't think I could move away from Jayden, not now anyway, not for a while. It's just too important to go be able to visit him right now.
Anyway, So we'll be in n-ville from mon-thurs. J&E are taking care of the doggies. I'm hoping JB can ride with someone else to the office and leave me the car so I am not stuck in the hotel room all day. Not sure what or where I would go, I've seen the downtown about five hundred times and the zoo sucks (smaller than a third of what our zoo is.. and no underwater life). I don't know anyone from Nashville... idk we'll see how this goes..... Homework and thank you cards and cable tv for four days, here I come!!!

Sleep Is Over-rated

2009-01-22T22:09:00.000-08:00

...Or so I thought. Ever since we found out Jayden's heart had stopped (3.5 weeks ago) I have not been able to sleep.
Both JB and I's sleep schedules are crazy. We literally stay up until 4 or 5 am and then he sleeps all day and I still manage to get up about 9 or 10am and go about my day. (which usually consists of bumming around at home, getting online, a little sewing maybe if i'm in a good mood).
They gave me ambien when I left the hospital and told me I would need it. Well I've been kind of scared to take it. I have heard it's easy to get hooked on and it gives you crazy dreams. Well finally last night after having a rough few days and nights, I decided to take it and see what happened. I went to bed around 1130pm (which to me now, is so early lol) and I got a very very very good sleep in. I woke up about 9am but felt completely rested. It has been the best sleep I have had in over 3.5 weeks. I needed it so bad because I could feel myself just starting to wear down.
Anyway, I'm off to watch some tv or something idk what exactly.... but something. Chat at-cha later.

Virtual::Friends

2009-01-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well honestly, I never thought I'd find myself in this position. But I can honestly say that I have some absolutely amazing online friends.

I know that sounds cheesy to some, but seriously. I found a group on cafemom when I first got pregnant. It was a group for moms who were due Jan09. And I never thought that I would make the friends that I have. They have been absolute angels in support, thoughts and prayers. I never thought I could get so close to a person without even meeting them, or honestly even how much we actually do have in common! But It feels good to be able to sit down and connect no matter what time or day just to check in.
And yes, While most are enjoying their newest bundles of joy, I can honestly say I'm so happy for them. a little Jealous sure but in a good way. I couldn't be more happy for them. I've been checking in on the group, although I don't feel I have a place to post much anymore. But i can't just walk away from the group because it has been such a active part of my life for the last 9 months.
I just wanted to tell you ladies thank you. You've been wonderful. Your support, messages, thoughts, prayers and stories have been so amazing. Ive taken all of this with a great heart and much appreciation. Know that it does not go unnoticed!

I've got no title

2009-01-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

Bear with me, I'm having a rough day.
I've had a few really good days lately, and I guess that always falls back on one really bad day.

I got up early to watch a lot of my shows I've missed that I've DVR-ed. One thing I really enjoy is watching my shows and relaxing. But I honestly could not focus today. I wasn't even interested when I sat down to watch. My biggest enemy really got me today. And that's my brain. Me thinking. I honestly don't know how to avoid it. I probably should address it but I seem to rather blow it to the side rather than face it. I just keep noticing that the things I loved to do, don't interest me at all lately. Such as my tv shows, sewing (which was a big thing for me to do while I was pregnant with Jayden) and celebrating my 21st birthday that I missed due to being pregnant. My birthday was a big thing for me to celebrate once Jayden was born... but now all I can think about is how I would rather be pregnant than to drink anything at all..... it doesn't even appetize me at all.
On my good days, I of course think of Jayden. But more the good thoughts of what he would look like as he grew up or what life would like with him here. All the happy thoughts. But If I once think about what happened to him, I lose it. That seems to be what I struggle with and of course that is all apart of grieving and I understand that. But I don't know how to work to get past it. It's something that I have to accept. But I just don't know how to eventually be able to get past it. It honestly seems impossible.
I haven't been able to look at Jayden's pictures in over a week. I carry his photo album with me everywhere I go and I show him off, I let other people look at my precious, gorgeous angel. But I can't bear to look at them. I feel awful, but I can't bear to look at him and realize what gorgeous little boy I have lost. It really breaks my heart. I want everyone to know him and remember him but I can't bear to look at his pictures.
And that is another thing I'm afraid of. I'm so scared everyone will eventually forget about him. I don't know why I feel this or whatever but It's just something I think about.
I don't know I guess I'm just having one of those days. I'll have my up days and my down days. And I'm working on getting through both, because whether its an up or a down it takes a lot to get through them.

What Makes A Mother

2009-01-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

"Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay". I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

I'm a horrible person!

2009-01-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

So someone apologized to me today for their away status and for hurting my feelings.
I kinda feel like a shit head.

It did upset me because, yes i would give anything to be in their shoes with a new baby in my arms, but at the same time, they shouldn't have to filter out their away messages because I might read them. I was having a super bad day yesterday and I kinda got wayyy emotional over several things yesterday.
There are some points in my day that I totally lose it and then other points in my day when I am totally fine. Like sometimes I feel like I totally get it, I understand why it happened. Jayden is better off with God. He had plans for Jayden in heaven and Jayden served his purpose down here. (to bring my family together, to make me stronger, to make me realize what death is about because no one close to me had died before and to make JB and I grow up a little bit and understand how important it is to be able to lean on each other in times of need). But then there are times that I sit there, cry and ask why why why? I don't get it? Why me? Why us? Why Jayden?. And the times that I feel okay with it, I feel guilty for not grieving at that moment and for understanding. I feel bad that I "feel okay with it" at some points in my day. Idk i have crazy mixed feelings like no other.
ugh bear with me.....

..Stupid.Flowers..

2009-01-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

At this point, I am not even sure why I ever bugged JB to ever buy me flowers?!
Our house has seemed like a florist since Jayden's service. All the flowers were beautiful, they meant so much to us. And at first, I was trying to keep them all alive... then all the fresh cuts were dying and even with watering I'm having trouble with the planters...

My house is getting depressing. I finally had JB's step-mom take some planters home with her because I couldn't handle so many on my own. Not to mention the cat was having a hayday. I was getting way too depressed with all the flowers around. The smell, although alot better than the dog smell we had before, was a bit overwhelming and depressing.
I officially hate flowers now. I have told Josh not to get me flowers for our anniversary in Feb and my bday in June... "Just love me and buy me jewelry" LOL.
The funny thing is, as much as I have grown to hate the flowers, I bawled my eyes out when I was taking the dead flowers out of the baskets and throwing them away. I thought I would love to see them go, but I cried. I miss Jayden, they were Jayden's flowers...... I think these are just one of those moments....

Angels in Disguise

2009-01-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

I did not realize just how common a miscarriage or stillbirth is. Unfortunately, I've met a ton of people who are going through the same thing I am. It's never fair for parents to go through this and the question asked: "why bad things happen to good people?"

We had our first support group last night. I honestly was a little nervous going. Yesterday marked our 2 weeks. Jayden would be two weeks old. It was a little awkward at first when the group started, there was about 15 couples that showed up. But the grief counselor started things with a couple who she had talked to quite a bit on the phone. They started with their story and then we went around the room. She told us that we didn't have to talk if we didn't want to, and could just sit and listen. I teared up at every story i heard. They varied from stillbirth to miscarriage to a few infant deaths. It was comforting to know the way we were feeling was normal and everyone was going through the same thing. I hate that we all are going through this, but at the same time it's a little comforting to know we are not alone. It scared me a little bit that a grandmother who comes to talk about her granddaughter, has been coming for 10 years! And is still in tears each time. I know that this road ahead of us will take a long time and will be rough, I'm just glad I have josh to lean on when I need him.
As the couples talked, I got more teary eyed from thinking about Jayden. I normally think about Jayden constantly, but try to focus on the good things, and the more I played the day he was born in my head the more I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. It came time for us to talk and the grief counselor asked If I wanted to share and I replied "maybe" because I was already crying. I was able to get through our story of our precious angel, it took a little bit of time and a lot of strength to get through it. And I had a lot of tears to show. But It felt good to talk about him. To tell other people about my precious angel. Josh got a little choked up and didn't talk much but he did chime in, which I'm glad he did.
I told them Jayden's story and although I would give anything for him to be back in my arms, I have already figured out his purpose for being here. And that was to bring our family back together. And that is exactly what Jayden did.
I'm so glad that JB enjoyed this group as well. I think it was comforting maybe to him to see the other dad's there, and the fact that, it's okay for a guy to cry. I defiantly feel like it's a safe place for us to go and talk to others and not worry who is watching.
I was so worried about what it would be like, who would be there and what they would think of me if I just lost it and cried. But the other couples and our counselor was great. They were so caring and they know what you are feeling in some shape or form. We will defiantly be going back.

Jayden Henry Boone (Picture Album)

2009-01-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

Here is a photo album of our precious sleeping angel, Jayden Henry Boone.

*Caution: Stillbirth & graphic photography*

CPSIA & Handmade

2009-01-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm bummed. So this new CPSIA law that goes into affect on Feb. 10, 2009 sucks. It states that any products made and sold for children under the age of 12 must go through testing for lead first. (Meaning I would have to spend $25,000 before selling any of my items directed for babies/infants).
My breast-pads, nursing covers, diaper bags and jewelry should be okay... but I can't sell my personalized baby hats or onsies or the boppy pillows and pacifier clips.

They say that this law should not affect small businesses.... how is that NOT affecting me? I'm a small business, a very very small one. And to buy $25,000 testing equipment to test fabric that I know doesn't have lead in it... yeah that's affecting me and my pocket. I don't even make that much yet. I've made alot more than I thought I would but defiantly not nearly enough to continue to work under the law. Which means I can't sell those items at all.
I understand that items for children need to be lead free, but i looked at all the re-called items in the last 3 months and over 90% of these items have been made in china not the US. So now, US businesses who know that they are using fabrics and materials lead free... get screwed.
Resellers such as Once Upon a Child get exempt from this law, but someone like me, who makes handmade, hand-sewn goods does not. The only thing I could do, Is try to sell my things to resellers like OUAC, and try to get some money out of it, but in the end that is not worth it because you won't get nearly as much as you could selling it first hand.
I will continue to make and sell my nursing products. Since they are used by the mother and not the child. But I'm bummed. I really enjoyed making these items. Stupid government.

The Days Slowly Go By....

2009-01-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

I feel like my world had come to a hault. While the rest of the world is going about their business, mine just can't seem to stop standing still. I feel like the purpose of my life has just been ripped out from underneath me. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world is to be a mother. To have a baby, to watch them grow, to help them along the way. I know that I will have this chance again, hopefully, but I am ready now.

The doctors do not want us to try again until we have all of our test results back, which could take up to 3 months. To think that I will not be able to have a baby in my arms any sooner than another long year, breaks my heart. And on top of that, If we were to get pregnant right away after those 3 months, that puts us right at being due end of December/early January again. I don't think that we could honestly handle that. The next pregnancy is going to be so exhausting with all the worry and anxiety it will bring. This is going to be a long long road ahead.
I can't help think back to that Friday and Saturday before we found out. I know that I didn't do anything wrong but I can't help but think, "what did I do?". Why us? Why me? Why Jayden???? I don't understand how there are mothers and fathers who were allowed to have their children and they beat them and do horrible things, and I wasn't allowed to keep my baby???? It just doesn't make sense to me. And I don't think I will ever understand.
I know that Jayden has already fulfilled his purpose here. He brought my family closer together than I thought was ever going to be possible. With a million things going on, He was able to bring my family closer together, Josh and I's families together :: without any fighting. The day he was born, there was nothing but love all around.
I'm comforted by the fact that I know he is watching out for me. I can even feel him around sometimes. But I just can't help that my heart hurts so bad. I don't feel like that will ever go away.
Josh has been so strong for me though. Stronger than I honestly need him to be. He holds me when I cry or when I need to talk. I'm just not sure how to help him. I tell him, I love him and that I'm here for him to talk to. I understand what he is feeling, but I think he is afraid to talk to me because it will upset me. And honestly, a good cry with him makes me feel so much better. I know he wants to take the pain away from me, but that is not possible. I just need him to cry with me, hold me, and tell me that Jayden is okay. I just hope he knows I love him and that I'm here for him when he needs me.
Well another hard day down, and I know there will be one when I wake up too... But I'll make it through....

Best & Worst Day of My Lift

2009-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

At 39 weeks pregnant - you are not thinking about what could go wrong. You are thinking about what it's going to be like to hold your precious new child in your arms for the first time. To hear them cry, for them to look you in the eye, to know that they count on everything that you do.

That changed for me. On Sunday 12/28/08 I had noticed that my precious baby Jayden had not been moving. We went to the hospital. They could not find his heart beat on the monitor. So they did an ultrasound and found that Jayden had no cardiac activity. His heart had stopped. And at that moment, so had mine. I can't even begin to tell you what happened from there, everything is so blurry. There were alot of tears and pain and fear.

The hospital admitted me that night and induced me so that I could deliver Jayden. It took me from Sunday night to Tuesday morning before I was ready to bring my precious angel here. I was able to have Josh, mom and my sister Kristin in the room with me to witness this miracle. I don't know what I would have done without them. Jayden Henry was born at 8:44am on 12-30-2008. He was 6lbs 5oz and 21 inches long. He was the most precious baby I have ever laid eyes on. He was perfect in every way. I could not in my wildest dreams ever imagined a baby who was so amazing, so perfect, so precious.

I can't begin to tell you the feeling I felt when I first held my angel in my arms. I cried because it felt so amazing, and I cried because I was so scared to let go. Seeing Josh hold him was even harder for me.

We were able to keep Jayden with us all day long on Tuesday. Everyone in my family was able to come and meet my precious angel. They were able to hold him and love him. We blessed him later that evening at 6pm at the hospital with all my friends and family there.

Unfortunately that day came to and end for us. We had to send our precious angel off because he was becoming to fragile to hold any longer. That was the hardest day of my life. To watch my baby boy be carried off, away from me and out of my arms.

On the following Saturday, January 3, 2009, we laid our precious angel to rest. We had his funneral at Flanner & Buchanan funeral home from 9am - 11am with a service given by our minister at 11am. Josh's mother, Cathy, was able to give a wonderful speech and my father, Kevin, read some beautiful poems about angels. We then had a 13 car police escort by Lawrence PD. Jayden's uncle Shawn lead the escort, with his Papaw following Jayden. Jayden's final resting place, other than in our hearts, is at Calvary Cemetery in Indianapolis. He is buried in the Infant Circle with all of his fellow angel friends.

This day was just as hard as the first. To say goodbye to a child is the hardest thing to do. Let alone an infant. It's just not right for the parents to bury their child. It's just not supposed to be that way. But we made it through the day. We said our "see you laters" and laid him to rest. To be in peace, to live in heaven and be taken care of by God.

The doctors said nothing was wrong with his cord, my placenta, or him physically. He was perfect in everyway. The autopsy report came back clear. No reason what so ever for his heart to stop. They are doing further testing on the lungs heart and placenta to see if they can find any answers and to make sure that it is not something that will affect any future pregnancies I may have. I will not be able to naturally deliver in the future. They had to give me an episiotomy. They said Jayden should of come out in 5 pushes and it took me 15 because I just wasn't big enough to get his shoulders out.

I'm slowly recovering both emotionally and physically. I would have to say not only have I been blessed to bring an angel into this world, but I've been blessed to have the most amazing family and friends. I could not have gotten through this day without them. The support, prayers and love they have brought both Josh and I have been truly amazing and much needed. There isn't a day that goes by that we haven't leaned on their love and support. And we thank them so much.

I've been blessed to hold an angel, and now he is holding me in his arms. I have a guardian angel. His name is Jayden.

Kara's Tickers

2009-01-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

graphics for moms

graphics for moms

graphics for moms

graphics for moms

What To Do When Her Baby Dies

2009-01-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

I found this on another blog. This was a greate page. This is from the blog Surviving Baby which can be found:
http://survivingbaby.wordpress.com/what-to-do-when-her-baby-died/
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What to Do When Her Baby Died….

August 18, 2008

When I lost the boys, I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t understand anything that was happening to me (and still don’t most of the time). The doctors told me some stuff, my aunt (who lost a baby at 34 weeks) was a great comfort to me but mainly, I was left with the books I left the hospital with and the Internet. The books were not my cup of tea. They ranged from very religious to just very sad. I would get bogged down in how MUCH sadness there was and then I would lose hope for ever being happy again. Also, “general” books on grieving don’t do it for someone who has lost a child. It’s a different type of loss – as is a miscarriage. A miscarriage is not the same type of loss as for someone who has given birth to (and held) a baby who died. It’s not worse and it’s not better, it’s just different and the two shouldn’t be lumped together (which many support groups and counseling books do). It’s just not the same.
So, I was left with the Internet and in the selfish spirit of feeling better about what has happened to me – i.e. making this loss have some meaning – here are my suggestions if you or someone you love has lost their baby.
1. Don’t hide from her. That has been one of the most painful things – feeling lonely and abandoned. If you don’t know what to say, tell her that. Most of the time, I just want company. Being alone allows all of these negative thoughts to bounce around in my head and it’s hard to deal with.
2. Offer to make dinner, bring dinner, clean the house, answer emails, field phone calls, make a donation in the name of the baby, whatever but NO FLOWERS. You drop off flowers and leave and the flowers are there as a constant reminder of her loss. And then they die. If you need to give a living thing, stick with a plant that will survive for a while. I got a lovely Gardenia when I lost the second baby and even though it reminds me of what happened, the blooms are a pretty reminder.
3. Don’t say, “call me if you need me or you want to talk.” She won’t. I didn’t and I don’t. I can’t see past my pain long enough to pick up the phone and call someone (the exception is my best friend, Michelle and my cousin, Jen). I think about my boys from the minute I wake to the minute I go to bed. I have a one track mind but I also don’t want to burden other people with my grief. Unless you ask me, I will not talk about it. And don’t say, “how are you doing?” The answer will be “fine” every time. Say, “are you okay? How are you handling things? Do you want to talk about the baby?” She’ll tell you if she wants to talk but give her the option. My friend Frankie said, “I’m going to call you to check on you. If you want to answer and talk, that’s fine but I want you to know that I am here for you.” Best thing anyone could have said to me.
4. Help with practical things because in those first few days, I can tell you, I did not function. If she delivered the baby, her milk will come in. If this is her first baby, she won’t know what to do because chances are, she didn’t get that far in the “What to Expect When Expecting” book. Get her cabbage leaves, an ace bandage, ice pack and Tylenol. Just go to the store and get it for her. I HATED sending my husband out for that stuff (although he would never complain). Just save her the pain and take care of your fellow sister. Also, if you can, go get her something to wear that is not maternity clothes. My regular clothes didn’t fit but I felt like I was lying if I wore maternity clothes. Not rational but if you ask anybody in this situation and they will agree. I didn’t want to shop because there were babies everywhere…or if you do take her shopping, go somewhere with no baby department. My mother took me to Marshall’s and then stopped at the baby department and started to cry. Not a good day.
5. Do not send her pictures of your newborn baby – especially if the baby was born around the time her baby was supposed to be born. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I was angry and jealous and sad and pictures were painful to look at. If that makes me a bad person, well, so be it but it’s the truth. Send her an email announcement with no picture, she will be happy for you later. On that note, if you have a baby and you want to visit with someone who has recently lost their baby, leave the baby at home. It was a good 4 months before I saw two of my friends’ babies because they didn’t want to cause me pain. It’s easier once the baby is out of the newborn stage. You have to remember, the only image I have of my baby was as a tiny newborn and that is a very recent memory. I don’t want your baby but I don’t need to be reminded of the one I lost either.
6. Do not clean out the baby clothes or furniture for her unless she asks you to. I needed to go through everything and pack it away. It was closure for me. If you want to help her, that’s fine but don’t pack it up while she’s at the hospital. It will only make her feel like you are erasing the baby and what happened. Also, in my case, I already had a nursery for Baby B. Husbands, sisters, mothers, whoever….go into the nursery with her and ask her what she wants to do. I packed away the clothes but left the crib and changing table. I just shut the door and I don’t go in there. See, in my mind, I will need that crib sooner rather than later.
7. Acknowledge her due date. Ask her if she’s planning something and can you be a part of it. My biggest fear is that people will forget my boys. I have no birth certificates and I was only allowed a death certificate for Baby B. In my mind, the only people who know they existed are me and my husband. Also, think about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. My friend Kelly sent me a lovely email on Mother’s Day saying that she was thinking about me and the boys. It was comforting.
8. If you get pregnant right after she loses her baby, don’t include her on that ecstatic email that you send out to everyone you have ever met. She will be happy for you but she will be sad for herself. I know it sounds selfish but you can’t understand this loss – I hope you never have to. Just wait to tell her unless you think someone else will say something and then call her personally and tell her. And don’t send her the ultrasound pictures. For most of us, that is how we found out our babies were dead. Try to imagine that for a minute and then multiply that pain times 10. That’s what we see when we look at an ultrasound picture.
9. Take her out when she is ready. If you take her for exercise, remember, just a little at first until the doctor okays her for more. Sign up for a yoga class or take her for a walk. If exercise is not your thing, take her for a pedicure, facial or a massage. I felt like crap, I looked like crap and I had no motivation to do anything about it. A good friend actually made an appointment for me to have acupuncture done and I so appreciated it. A trip to lunch or to get a pedicure may be the only reason she has to get up that morning. Believe me, I have been there. It’s very hard to get up in the morning and face the day when you’ve lost your baby(ies).
10. Finally but equally important, don’t forget the dad. Everyone has catered to me but several of my friends also called my husband separately. He lost something just as much as I did but now, in his mind, he needs to care for me to. I encouraged my husband to continue with his karate classes and not sit home with me. He needed an outlet separate and apart from me. His first reaction may be to not leave her alone so offer to take her for coffee or come over and sit and talk or go for a walk. I know hubby calls me on the way to his class and on the way home so he knows that I am okay.
I’m not an “expert,” only someone who has had the crappiest year EVER. In some ways, that may make me more of an expert than an “expert.” I’m sorry for you if you are reading this because you lost your baby. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, not my worst enemy. If you want to talk, email me. I lost Baby B a mere 4 and 1/2 months ago and I still wake up crying. I can’t tell you when it will get better, I just can hope with you that it will.

One Little Word

2009-01-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

I found a cute poem on another blog who have also had a loss and is pregnant again. I’m not sure if she wrote it, or if she found it but it says exactly what we are felling. Hopeless and hopefull all at the same time. And now it’s just a waiting game.

--

Only one word popped up this time… Pregnant.
I suspected that I’d see it, but worried that I wouldn’t.
I waited to find out…
I didn’t want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week.
I didn’t want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week.
So I waited… but now I know for sure.
This part of the waiting is over… but now the real waiting begins.
That one little word changes everything.
It changed everything before too.
Now it’s different though.
I’m not inoccent anymore… and yet I can’t contain my excitement.
I’m scared but full of hope.
I’m nervous and anxious yet at peace.
That one little word… Pregnant
It brings such a range of emotions.
I know better than to think I’m safe after the first trimester.
This time we won’t wait so long to share the news… but we aren’t sure we’ll be able to untell people if the worst happens.
I know now that lighting can strike twice.
I pray that nothing happens but I’m afraid.
One little word.
One little baby that I’ve been hoping for, praying for, longing for.
Please pray that I’ll get to watch this baby grow up.
Please pray that I’ll meet this baby before it’s older brother does.
One little baby now growing inside.

Save A Place For Me

2008-12-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

Save A Place For Me by Matthew West

Music Playlist at MixPod.com