Sunday, January 18, 2009

I'm a horrible person!

So someone apologized to me today for their away status and for hurting my feelings.
I kinda feel like a shit head.

It did upset me because, yes i would give anything to be in their shoes with a new baby in my arms, but at the same time, they shouldn't have to filter out their away messages because I might read them. I was having a super bad day yesterday and I kinda got wayyy emotional over several things yesterday.
There are some points in my day that I totally lose it and then other points in my day when I am totally fine. Like sometimes I feel like I totally get it, I understand why it happened. Jayden is better off with God. He had plans for Jayden in heaven and Jayden served his purpose down here. (to bring my family together, to make me stronger, to make me realize what death is about because no one close to me had died before and to make JB and I grow up a little bit and understand how important it is to be able to lean on each other in times of need). But then there are times that I sit there, cry and ask why why why? I don't get it? Why me? Why us? Why Jayden?. And the times that I feel okay with it, I feel guilty for not grieving at that moment and for understanding. I feel bad that I "feel okay with it" at some points in my day. Idk i have crazy mixed feelings like no other.
ugh bear with me.....

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