Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I've got no title

Bear with me, I'm having a rough day.
I've had a few really good days lately, and I guess that always falls back on one really bad day.

I got up early to watch a lot of my shows I've missed that I've DVR-ed. One thing I really enjoy is watching my shows and relaxing. But I honestly could not focus today. I wasn't even interested when I sat down to watch. My biggest enemy really got me today. And that's my brain. Me thinking. I honestly don't know how to avoid it. I probably should address it but I seem to rather blow it to the side rather than face it. I just keep noticing that the things I loved to do, don't interest me at all lately. Such as my tv shows, sewing (which was a big thing for me to do while I was pregnant with Jayden) and celebrating my 21st birthday that I missed due to being pregnant. My birthday was a big thing for me to celebrate once Jayden was born... but now all I can think about is how I would rather be pregnant than to drink anything at all..... it doesn't even appetize me at all.
On my good days, I of course think of Jayden. But more the good thoughts of what he would look like as he grew up or what life would like with him here. All the happy thoughts. But If I once think about what happened to him, I lose it. That seems to be what I struggle with and of course that is all apart of grieving and I understand that. But I don't know how to work to get past it. It's something that I have to accept. But I just don't know how to eventually be able to get past it. It honestly seems impossible.
I haven't been able to look at Jayden's pictures in over a week. I carry his photo album with me everywhere I go and I show him off, I let other people look at my precious, gorgeous angel. But I can't bear to look at them. I feel awful, but I can't bear to look at him and realize what gorgeous little boy I have lost. It really breaks my heart. I want everyone to know him and remember him but I can't bear to look at his pictures.
And that is another thing I'm afraid of. I'm so scared everyone will eventually forget about him. I don't know why I feel this or whatever but It's just something I think about.
I don't know I guess I'm just having one of those days. I'll have my up days and my down days. And I'm working on getting through both, because whether its an up or a down it takes a lot to get through them.

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