Wednesday, April 1, 2009

status: one rough day after another :: bother me only if it's imprtant

Title say much? Like I said one after another. 3 months later I'm still a mess and sadly I envision me like this years to come. Although I do pray it gets the least bit easier any day now.

I got an email asking if I was every going to turn my blog into a book. Lol *dreams*
So I do think I've been a little bit hard on my job. With getting switched to night shift and having co-workers pretend I was never pregnant or have a son, I was ready to give up. Just wanted to quit. But today, I'm trying to look at the brightside of things!
1. *WHEN* I get pregnant again, I have days open for appointments, sunshine, and husband quality time outside, and gardening!
2. since ppl don't talk to me, no stupid comments are said and in return my mouth, with the returning arguement of their stupid comments, won't get me in trouble.
Step one: thinking positive. Check!
I've decided to spend a little time each day in our front flower bed when I start my night shift next week. We r dedicating it to Jayden! A little sunshine should help my mood! Hopefully. Give me some alone time with mr. Jayden too.
Although I'm thinking positive - those dreadful down moments still show up. I cried on my way home last night. Cried during marley and me when jen was told there was no heartbeat. Cried when I went to bed. No wonder my vision sucks - I'm always crying!
I did find comfort in another mother's blog where she stated what her pastor had said at their funeral. Jayden was perfect. He never sinned. Was never faced with this horribly ugly awful world, he never had to struggle through a bad economy, he never new evil. He was taken away as perfect as anyone could be. And will forever be perfect, in both mine and God's eyes. That comforts me. He IS perfect. In every way.
So, mother's day is coming up. I originally was going to spend the day starting on the flower bed but then realized may 10th is mothers day and we get home from vacation at 11pm. So ill shoot for the following day. I'm glad ill have distractions that day, but crying in airports and on planes, ppl will think I'm nuts. I'd rather just spend the day with my mommy. We'll have to do something before our trip then.
Poor JB - a lady at his work had a baby in february and manages to constantly talk about how big, how great, her little girl is. She smiles so much etc etc. JB just can't handle that - and while everyone is entitled to brag, you'd think she would atleast keep her mouth shut when JB is in the operator chat working. Other operators have noticed that she really only ends up saying things when JB is online working. I'm sure she doesn't mean to but its taking a toll on him. He never says anything about how he is feeling and he finally cracked today. :( I wish I could just tell her to shut the hell up. We r happy she got her baby but we lost ours and how inconciderate can you be??? I'd really like to have a little chat with her but its JB's place not mine. But boy if I had a chance she has no clue what's coming!!! Hurting my husband like that who does she think she is!!!!????
Anyway- back to work for me before I get myself upset over things being said around JB and hurting his feelings :(
Have a good day - ill be at work enjoying my lovely job. Alone in my corner!
Jayden's mommy

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