Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Angels in Disguise

I did not realize just how common a miscarriage or stillbirth is. Unfortunately, I've met a ton of people who are going through the same thing I am. It's never fair for parents to go through this and the question asked: "why bad things happen to good people?"

We had our first support group last night. I honestly was a little nervous going. Yesterday marked our 2 weeks. Jayden would be two weeks old. It was a little awkward at first when the group started, there was about 15 couples that showed up. But the grief counselor started things with a couple who she had talked to quite a bit on the phone. They started with their story and then we went around the room. She told us that we didn't have to talk if we didn't want to, and could just sit and listen. I teared up at every story i heard. They varied from stillbirth to miscarriage to a few infant deaths. It was comforting to know the way we were feeling was normal and everyone was going through the same thing. I hate that we all are going through this, but at the same time it's a little comforting to know we are not alone. It scared me a little bit that a grandmother who comes to talk about her granddaughter, has been coming for 10 years! And is still in tears each time. I know that this road ahead of us will take a long time and will be rough, I'm just glad I have josh to lean on when I need him.
As the couples talked, I got more teary eyed from thinking about Jayden. I normally think about Jayden constantly, but try to focus on the good things, and the more I played the day he was born in my head the more I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. It came time for us to talk and the grief counselor asked If I wanted to share and I replied "maybe" because I was already crying. I was able to get through our story of our precious angel, it took a little bit of time and a lot of strength to get through it. And I had a lot of tears to show. But It felt good to talk about him. To tell other people about my precious angel. Josh got a little choked up and didn't talk much but he did chime in, which I'm glad he did.
I told them Jayden's story and although I would give anything for him to be back in my arms, I have already figured out his purpose for being here. And that was to bring our family back together. And that is exactly what Jayden did.
I'm so glad that JB enjoyed this group as well. I think it was comforting maybe to him to see the other dad's there, and the fact that, it's okay for a guy to cry. I defiantly feel like it's a safe place for us to go and talk to others and not worry who is watching.
I was so worried about what it would be like, who would be there and what they would think of me if I just lost it and cried. But the other couples and our counselor was great. They were so caring and they know what you are feeling in some shape or form. We will defiantly be going back.

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