Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Best & Worst Day of My Lift

At 39 weeks pregnant - you are not thinking about what could go wrong. You are thinking about what it's going to be like to hold your precious new child in your arms for the first time. To hear them cry, for them to look you in the eye, to know that they count on everything that you do.

That changed for me. On Sunday 12/28/08 I had noticed that my precious baby Jayden had not been moving. We went to the hospital. They could not find his heart beat on the monitor. So they did an ultrasound and found that Jayden had no cardiac activity. His heart had stopped. And at that moment, so had mine. I can't even begin to tell you what happened from there, everything is so blurry. There were alot of tears and pain and fear.

The hospital admitted me that night and induced me so that I could deliver Jayden. It took me from Sunday night to Tuesday morning before I was ready to bring my precious angel here. I was able to have Josh, mom and my sister Kristin in the room with me to witness this miracle. I don't know what I would have done without them. Jayden Henry was born at 8:44am on 12-30-2008. He was 6lbs 5oz and 21 inches long. He was the most precious baby I have ever laid eyes on. He was perfect in every way. I could not in my wildest dreams ever imagined a baby who was so amazing, so perfect, so precious.

I can't begin to tell you the feeling I felt when I first held my angel in my arms. I cried because it felt so amazing, and I cried because I was so scared to let go. Seeing Josh hold him was even harder for me.

We were able to keep Jayden with us all day long on Tuesday. Everyone in my family was able to come and meet my precious angel. They were able to hold him and love him. We blessed him later that evening at 6pm at the hospital with all my friends and family there.

Unfortunately that day came to and end for us. We had to send our precious angel off because he was becoming to fragile to hold any longer. That was the hardest day of my life. To watch my baby boy be carried off, away from me and out of my arms.

On the following Saturday, January 3, 2009, we laid our precious angel to rest. We had his funneral at Flanner & Buchanan funeral home from 9am - 11am with a service given by our minister at 11am. Josh's mother, Cathy, was able to give a wonderful speech and my father, Kevin, read some beautiful poems about angels. We then had a 13 car police escort by Lawrence PD. Jayden's uncle Shawn lead the escort, with his Papaw following Jayden. Jayden's final resting place, other than in our hearts, is at Calvary Cemetery in Indianapolis. He is buried in the Infant Circle with all of his fellow angel friends.

This day was just as hard as the first. To say goodbye to a child is the hardest thing to do. Let alone an infant. It's just not right for the parents to bury their child. It's just not supposed to be that way. But we made it through the day. We said our "see you laters" and laid him to rest. To be in peace, to live in heaven and be taken care of by God.

The doctors said nothing was wrong with his cord, my placenta, or him physically. He was perfect in everyway. The autopsy report came back clear. No reason what so ever for his heart to stop. They are doing further testing on the lungs heart and placenta to see if they can find any answers and to make sure that it is not something that will affect any future pregnancies I may have. I will not be able to naturally deliver in the future. They had to give me an episiotomy. They said Jayden should of come out in 5 pushes and it took me 15 because I just wasn't big enough to get his shoulders out.

I'm slowly recovering both emotionally and physically. I would have to say not only have I been blessed to bring an angel into this world, but I've been blessed to have the most amazing family and friends. I could not have gotten through this day without them. The support, prayers and love they have brought both Josh and I have been truly amazing and much needed. There isn't a day that goes by that we haven't leaned on their love and support. And we thank them so much.

I've been blessed to hold an angel, and now he is holding me in his arms. I have a guardian angel. His name is Jayden.

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