Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Days Slowly Go By....

I feel like my world had come to a hault. While the rest of the world is going about their business, mine just can't seem to stop standing still. I feel like the purpose of my life has just been ripped out from underneath me. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world is to be a mother. To have a baby, to watch them grow, to help them along the way. I know that I will have this chance again, hopefully, but I am ready now.

The doctors do not want us to try again until we have all of our test results back, which could take up to 3 months. To think that I will not be able to have a baby in my arms any sooner than another long year, breaks my heart. And on top of that, If we were to get pregnant right away after those 3 months, that puts us right at being due end of December/early January again. I don't think that we could honestly handle that. The next pregnancy is going to be so exhausting with all the worry and anxiety it will bring. This is going to be a long long road ahead.
I can't help think back to that Friday and Saturday before we found out. I know that I didn't do anything wrong but I can't help but think, "what did I do?". Why us? Why me? Why Jayden???? I don't understand how there are mothers and fathers who were allowed to have their children and they beat them and do horrible things, and I wasn't allowed to keep my baby???? It just doesn't make sense to me. And I don't think I will ever understand.
I know that Jayden has already fulfilled his purpose here. He brought my family closer together than I thought was ever going to be possible. With a million things going on, He was able to bring my family closer together, Josh and I's families together :: without any fighting. The day he was born, there was nothing but love all around.
I'm comforted by the fact that I know he is watching out for me. I can even feel him around sometimes. But I just can't help that my heart hurts so bad. I don't feel like that will ever go away.
Josh has been so strong for me though. Stronger than I honestly need him to be. He holds me when I cry or when I need to talk. I'm just not sure how to help him. I tell him, I love him and that I'm here for him to talk to. I understand what he is feeling, but I think he is afraid to talk to me because it will upset me. And honestly, a good cry with him makes me feel so much better. I know he wants to take the pain away from me, but that is not possible. I just need him to cry with me, hold me, and tell me that Jayden is okay. I just hope he knows I love him and that I'm here for him when he needs me.
Well another hard day down, and I know there will be one when I wake up too... But I'll make it through....

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