Sunday, January 10, 2010

26w3d :: Faith

I just had to make a post because I just now realized that I am under 100 days and counting until delivery. I actually have 86 days until the end of my 37th week.. Dr. A said that we will defiantly deliver before the end of my 37th week. I still can't wrap my head around it.... actually having a baby, holding a baby, feeding a baby, changing a baby, loving another baby.

I have to admit, as much as we wanted to get pregnant right away and as much as I know deep down that I have enough love for all the children we will have, I have a hard time feeling like I will attach completely without being sad that Jayden SHOULD be here, SHOULD be a year old toddler. I SHOULD have two children living. But, God has different plans. I just hope he continues to give me the strength to love and miss Jayden while loving Rylee too. It sounds kinda crazy but I just have such mixed feelings!

Today in our foundation class at church, we talked about the things you do to be a Christian and how you have to be able to describe your relationship. This was interesting to me... I was baptized when I was 12 or 13, however I was going through the motions. I don't remember much from the class we took for it either. I've always gone to church but never payed attention. I've always asked God for help, strength, courage.. but never have I given anything back. That is, until we found our new church. I absolutely love this church. I leave feeling rejuvenated. I leave with an actual UNDERSTANDING of what the service was about each week. I actually OPEN my OWN bible. I would have to say that my biggest turning point in my faith was losing Jayden. Not that I did not believe but I sure didn't practice faith like I should have. Losing Jayden, at first, I was angry at God, but in the end it brought me closer to Him and now I feel like I have an actual relationship with Him. I see now more than ever the work that He is doing in my life. Now I have the urge to learn more. Every sermon and scripture I've listened to since Jayden has passed away seems to actually play a role in my life that I can actually identify with.... and that feeling itself is amazing. I thank Jayden every day for being a life savor and bringing me closer to God.  And I thank God for his plan of bringing Jayden into my life.
It's funny how things work out.

For the rest of the Sunday, I am going to spend it relaxing with JB and laying down feeling Rylee move around. It makes me smile. 


  1. Your expression of faith is such a beautiful, wonderful way of remembering Jayden!