Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A First of Many "Would Have Been" Firsts

Most parents are celebrating happy firsts with their child. A First smile, a first tooth, a first christmas, a first birthday. Now while everyone else is celebrating happy firsts... mine are not so happy. We get to celebrate "a month ago today we found out his heart stopped" and "He would be one month old today" and "this would of been his first Christmas".

Today marks the day, that a month ago, We found out our precious angel's heart had stopped beating. And Starts a long 35 hours of waiting for induction to kick in to deliver him. Friday will mark that Jayden would be a month old. To me the days and even hours drag on but at the same time I feel like it's flow by so fast.
Friday is my first day back to work - not such a good day to go back, but I have to. I am dreading all the questions I am going to get. Or much worse, the looks I'll get. Most everyone at work knows what happened so either they will ask how i'm doing (which hello stupid question!! I'm NOT! I'm not doing okay and I'm not doing fine, i'm just not doing.) Or to me, it's even worse when people just STARE at you like you are a freak with this little look of pity in their eyes but you can see they are too afraid to walk up to you. It makes me cry even more when I get this...
I just need a little smile, a huge hug, and just to know that you are there if I need you. Love support and prayers. that's it. I don't need to be looked at with the look that says "that poor girl, she lost her baby". No thank you. And Although, no matter what is said or done.... I WILL cry. It's a given. But it helps me more to talk about Jayden than to have awkward conversations trying to creep around that subject. I LOVE talking about my little boy and honestly it helps me cope more.
So If I get one more of those stares or awkward conversations, I think I am going to freak out! I feel like punching people right in their faces!!!! I know you don't know what to say, so don't say anything at all. A huge will do much better. 
What a vent... I'm going to workout now!!!!

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