Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm Back... Stumbling

Well it's been awhile since I blogged. I just couldn't bring myself to writing. As much as it helps for me to put my feelings down on.... online... I also have a hard time getting through the actual writing process due to tears making a very blurry screen. It doesn't work so well... and neither do computers getting wet, even from the smallest of tears.
But I am back. Slowly but surely. Not because I'm feeling better today but because I hit a damn brick wall. I've been doing okay lately. And by okay, I mean I'm here. I'm going through the motions of life, work ect. Trying to enjoy the good things in my life... my family, my husband, my puppies and cat, my friends. But at the same time I feel like I'm stuck in this awkward world. What happened to my normal happy go lucky life? It's completely gone. Forever. I'll never be the same person I was, sadly and I miss the old me. I never really had to worry about much or think about much. Everything just came to me as is and I went with it. Thinking that a deployment through Iraq would be the hardest thing JB and I would have to go through. Yeah were we wrong or what? I feel stupid for ever even thinking that! But I really do miss those days where I would come home from school, eat oreos, watch TV, have practice, see josh, maybe work and go to bed and do it all over again. Sadly, I am in a routine but a little different. I wake up (normally crying from a horrid dream), go to work, cry at work, cry driving home from work, sit at home and blog or sew and cry all at the same time, then try to lay in bed to fall asleep, which these days are absolutely impossible to do and take a guess. yes... I cry.
I hate crying. I really do. I am so tired of it. My heart hurts so bad. And my poor eye lids and lashes. They are miserable. I've been trying to deal with my emotions but I sure as hell lost that war. JB and I haven't talked much about everything. We always mention Jayden, trying to normally to make the mood a little lighter... but at the same time... we are scared to talk about him too. I am scared to really bring anything up because sometimes I can see JB having an okay day and I don't want to ruin it for him.... but in turn that leaves me a major mess all to myself which isn't helping either. I hate to be the "debby downer" every single day.... I honestly wish I was a guy and knew how to just bottle my feelings up and go on with life. Sadly, I know that this will go on for a long time. I am not going to just get over it. But I'm not sure how to handle it either. I'm driving my self crazy thinking about everything and dealing with it all.
It's even worse at work. I swear everyone is not making it easier. Everyone used to always come to S and I's desk to chat and have a small break during the day.. (okay alot of chat breaks!) But now that I've returned to work, it seems like I'm contagious. No one hardly comes to our desk to talk except a few closer co-workers who knows most all the details already. But for those who just heard what happened via my e-mail to my boss... they stare at me like I'm an alien and avoid me when I'm walking down the hall or in the bathroom. (not that it isn't an awkward place to talk anyway... but still). I don't know how many times I just sit at my desk and cry because no one will talk to me or ask me about Jayden. I know it's not appropriate to send out an email saying.... " ASK ME ABOUT MY SON!!! " but I swear there are somedays I want to just scream at everyone. I've posted pictures in my cubicle thinking that that would spark a convo.. and not once has someone said anything about it. I can seem them glance at it as they walk by but seriously....
Okay so I know that they don't know what to say and don't want to hurt me. But It hurts me more to feel like a contagious alien than to talk about Jayden. Jayden was my son. He is real. He was here. He is still my baby. He didn't just... vanish. I guess it just adds to my already spinning head of emotions and in turn makes me absolutely hate going to work and only praying... maybe i'll get fired and I can stay home and be a bum.(not that I can afford that..or really NEED that either but still...)
On another note... my OB office called today. She wanted me to come in for a check up and exam. I told her I needed a thursday or friday morning because of my work schedule. She said that she didn't have a thurs/fri until march and that we could wait that long but Asdell wants to see me as soon as possible because she got all my test results back and wants to talk to me. So I told her I would just take a personal day at work and she scheduled me for next Wednesday (the 18th). She said she was scheduling it for an hour appointment block that way we had enough time to do the exam, and talk with asdell about the test results and "deal with everything". I completely think I was originally over-interpreting her voice and tone but I think my stomach just churned right up into a knot. For whatever reason, I felt like she was implying something was bad, or wrong. I had the worst gut feeling ever and got very teary eyed. She couldn't give me any test results over the phone because she was just a receptionist. Everyone I've talked to ensured me that they are just setting aside extra time becuase we will have alot of questions and it will open sore wounds that will cause alot more emotional pain no matter what the outcome.
I guess the worst thing is that for weeks I've been going insane over needing an answer to cope with Jayden's death. But now that we have test results, I keep trying to tell myself to just forget it and not find out. I don't feel I could deal with it at all if something was wrong with me and I was the reason this happened. I get sick thinking about hearing the test results, although I do keep playing senarios in my head and that is driving me nuts too... I swear my brain has a mind of its own... well okay obviously... it's a brain, but seriously... it's driving me insane. I feel like it's detached from me and it's only motive is to torture me and egging on these crazy emotions.
As I read back on this post, I see that it's very depressing. I'm sorry. Actually no, not really - I'm only telling it like it is, how I am feeling. I swear I can't wait for the day where the good days out weigh the bad.... but that scenario seems to be so far out in the future.... like a distant sky of stars.
Well off to bed... to stair at my ceiling, pray I can fall asleep without taking ambien, and to have pleasant dreams - If I could ever have those again.
Night world.
Good night Jayden Henry - Mommy loves you. Sweet dreams.

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